Five Hours at Asbury

Hello there. It's been a hot minute. Sorry I don't do this constantly...it's been 6 year I doubt I'm changing any time soon. So I'm worried If I don't give a few life updates this story won't make much sense. So here's the bullet knows about my life:

• I left my job in San Antonio almost a year ago to follow a calling back into Youth Ministry - specifically Middle School!
• Currently I live in Kentucky and am serving at Middle School Pastor of a large non-denominational church 
• I've been navigating the world of Non-Denominational, heavy evangelical worship and I love it
• I love everything about how God's changed my world: my friends, my job, my students, my city, my co-workers, my calling. 
• Grief is still my story, and I'm still figuring out how to live in response to grief and trauma - it's a daily grind 

Anyways, now that we've got that out of the way here's something amazing that happened to me recently:

Last weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time with the revival going on out at Asbury that has been going on since Wednesday of last week. If you are unfamiliar with the story, the short version is the university had its normal chapel time last Wednesday. At the end of that time there were students who felt moved by the Holy Spirit to sit and linger a little longer in worship and in prayer. These students were obedient to that soft tugging of the heart that many believers have felt before, but what God did through that has blown out of any proportion that we have metric or words for. As of Thursday, February 16 at 5:00pm people are still in Hughes Chapel and two other sights on campus and the adjacent seminary worshiping, praying, healing, repenting, and simply being in the presence of God. 

One of my very close friends Caleigh was the first to share with me what was going on there. She’s had a first hand perspective as she is currently teaching in the youth ministry department and has had a front row seat to it all. I’d like to say that I jumped at the chance to go see this thing that was happening, but that wasn’t the case. I share this because it leads into a few of the key things I experienced. 

My background with church has been quite different from the heavy evangelical community I find myself in today - honestly my experience and comfort level with the Holy Spirit and work of the Holy Spirit has been minimal at best. I’ve always believed in a God who works in the supernatural, that meaning beyond the natural world we can feel, smell, touch, hear, and taste around us…but it always freaked me out a little bit. But I can think of some very distinguished moments that I’ve felt the movement and heavy presence of the Holy Spirit before. Some of those special moments include:

• Worshiping in Ukraine in both Russian and English when I was 17 on a mission trip. There also having the opportunity to share my testimony and the power of hearing your words about God spoken in someone else's language and realizing it’s the same God we worship

• The moment of surrender where I finally said yes God’s call into to full time ministry at Student Life Camp the summer after my senior year of high school and peace I felt in that

• At my sorority’s winter retreat on an evening filled with worship, public confession, repentance, and prayer 

• Watching my friends I served as a counselor with at Eagle Lake Camp be baptized in a neighborhood pool and worshiping together afterwards

• Worshiping at New Room Conference and being anointed to go and do ministry

• The All City worship night at NECC lead by the touring cast of broadway’s The Lion King

All of those moments are cemented in my mind as moments I can only really describe as being thick with the Spirit - you felt in the room as if you could cut it with a knife the air around you. Those moments are about community, surrender, prayer, adoration, confession, transformation, and repentance. What’s going on as Asbury is all those things and more. There’s hardly enough words, at least human ones, to describe what the rawness of God’s presence was like. But I’m going to try and say a few more things than I already have about my five hours at Asbury. 

I love the way Caleigh put it in debriefing my experience. Walking into that moment and space was like walking into a very “thin space in the overlap of heaven and earth.” But even before you got into the chapel you could already feel something different was happening. When I drove into Wilmore I turned left onto the road in front of the chapel to see what was going on. At the time, I was WAY out of my comfort zone and there were a few reasons why. First my anxiousness around an event happening around the movement of the Holy Spirit that was very different from my past experiences. 

What if I walked in and felt nothing? 

What if it seemed scary? 

What if I heard something I just don’t have a whole lot of experience with like speaking in tongues or prophecy happening? 

Am I going to have to process something I don't understand fully and have avoided seeking wisdom about? 

Then there was the reality of other things I knew would happen: 

What if I come face to face with real sin I have going on in my life? 

What if I feel compelled to confession, obviously I’m going to have to do it? 

What if old wounds of the past bubble up and I get emotional? 

What if I cry in front of strangers?

On the hour drive out to Asbury every single one of those things and more floated around in my head, but as soon as I turned onto the road the chapel was on and saw the crowds, heard the music, felt the atmosphere, it was all gone. Every single fear I’d had driving in was erased and I couldn’t find a parking space fast enough. On my walk up to the chapel you passed people leaving and could see the brightness on their faces and hear the joy in their voices. I heard conversations about healing and peace that happened. I saw people standing praying together. The stairs up to the chapel were filled with people kneeling and praying, sitting and laughing together, heads bowed over Bibles, and kids playing with each other on the lawn. Even though it was cold the doors were open and you could hear the worship pouring forth from the chapel. 

When you walked in the lobby there were people greeting those coming in, offering snacks and water with great big smiles. There was a white board where people had left prayer requests. Even though I was alone, I immediately felt like I was amongst friends. I felt welcome, like this is where I’ve always belonged.

I walked in and sat down near the back around 5:00pm, and for the next five hours here’s a few of the things I experienced:

The Peace

Last week was a little bit of a tumultuous week for me. I was carrying a lot in my mind and on my heart when I walked into worship. Within moments of sitting down and breathing it all in, all of those things immediately started to lift. The longer I sat, even physically the more I relaxed and felt the weight of everything melt away. This has been a very common experience I’ve heard from those who have gone. In reflecting on the experience, how I would explain it is the recognition that all of those things still existed and had happened, but I was seated before the one who holds all things together - including the people, events, and things I was experiencing anxiety over. And in sitting with the Father in those things I found an ease of surrendering those to Him. Sometimes I have mistaken apathy towards something as peace, or if not apathy then loss of hope and simply giving up on something as peace - The moment of “well I can’t do anything about it so I guess I just should move on”. This wasn’t it - I walked in with everything and walked out with it as well. But I also walked out with an assurance to God knew, God had seen, and God was working. All things I know in my brain, but here I felt in my heart of hearts to be true. I felt free to sit unburdened by those things and really focus on God’s love for each situation and person I was also holding tight in my heart and mind. 

The People

Currently, one of my biggest struggles is watching just the state of the world and loss of faith in humanity. Sometimes I wonder if there are really good people out there. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever find unity amongst believers. My heart breaks for Generation Z and the world they are navigating, to the point where I wonder sometimes if there’s hope for them at all. I will also confess, for Gen Z who has adamantly rejected faith and Jesus I’ve even had times of anger and blame toward them…Very jaded, very negative I know. If there’s anything that I feel like I see more than I want to these days it’s the real evidence of where Jesus says the world will hate me and reject you. So when I walked in and saw hundreds of people worshiping, together, with one voice and one mind it brought hope to many of those worries. Not only did I see believers in front of me worship, but God was using the very generation I fear for and struggle to love as the conduit for this outpouring of the Spirit to happen through. Watching college students be the ones leading so bravely and authentically in this worship was both humbling and encouraging. This movement has been said to be by Gen Z and for Gen Z. If you are reading this, please stop now and praise God for Gen Z. Lift them in prayer that they will continue to be a light shining in the darkness of their homes, schools, and communities. Pray for a vulnerability to praise you openly and choose a life that glorifies God over self - choose what is true and what is good by God’s standards and not the world’s. These are the next leaders of the church, and praise God for raising up another generation who is ready to love God and love others. My phrase recently has been “so that the world may know”, and these college students are doing it. May this time, their effort, and these stories be remembered as the next Great Awakening, not that their names be lifted on high, but that God’s will. 

People are coming from far and wide to experience the real presence of God. I heard conversations around me of people from surrounding states like Ohio, Tennessee, and Indiana. I’ve read stories on social media of people driving for hours to come worship. Watching people who have chosen to make it a priority to drop everything and come leaves me speechless - and convicted. Looking back now, it took me way too long to do the same. My list of excuses seem so trivial and meaningless now. Why did I wait? Why did I let anything else take priority over obedience? I am reminded of just how thirsty people are for God, how we are made to be longing for that closeness of relationship with him. I want to be that person who is so thirsty for God that I’d be willing to drop everything and run to worship him. 

The Same Spirit

This one maybe is what I felt God gently whispering to me during my time there. The thoughts in my head over and over again were “wow, God’s really here right now, I really feel Him.” In response, I had scripture like Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 13:8, and James 1:17 come to mind. All of these scripture point to God being never changing, never ceasing, always present. I pondered on the truth that this same Spirit of God I’m feeling and seeing the effects of right now is the same one that is with me in my driest moments, my loneliest moments, and every single moment where I wonder if God is actually there. God has promised us through scripture that there’s nowhere we can go to escape His presence. So no matter what state I may be in, the one thing that never changes is God is present and powerful with me at all times. How wonderful and beautiful is it to have a God who is both big and grand and powerful, but also close and personal and intimate. 

Revival and Hope for the Church

Similar to my feelings about Generation Z, it’s weighed heavy on my heart watching the state of the modern Western church. I won’t get into every single complaint I have about the modern church, especially the modern American church - I’m sure you can imagine some of my criticisms and likely share them. But in witnessing the worship happening at Asbury I have a renewed hope in what will come from those who feel revived. I have been praying heavily this: that those who have made the trip to Asbury, whether pastors, college students, parents, teachers, or congregation members, will all take it back to their context and light the flame of revival and awakening where they are. Again, the Spirit is present everywhere and has the ability to move in the same ways EVERYWHERE, should we be willing to have the same obedience as those original Asbury students last week. I believe we are going to see a new wave of energy and faithfulness in churches connected to this revival. I pray for a Church (with a big C) who loves Jesus and remembers its identity as the Bride of Christ. I long for a day where we do not see division as we do now, where stories of church hurt and trauma are no more. Where houses of worship are bursting at the seams with people desiring to come to the foot of the cross. I pray for a Church of generosity, faithfulness, justice, love, and holiness. I pray for unity under one name - the name of Jesus. I have hope for the future of the church. 

There’s other things I don’t quite have words to explain exactly what I felt and saw. Things like a euphoria of the Spirit, how five hours felt like five minutes, how every to-do list or worry just seemed so trivial when there’s a wonderful God to worship. There’s more private things like moments of confession and repentance in a way I’ve never experienced before, or an invitation to really wrestle with God over things I wish were different. But ultimately, what words to use when you can FEEL the celebration that heaven was also having because God’s people have come together to worship freely and authentically. I feel like I witness heaven - like I’ve tasted and seen the goodness that’s to come when Christ returns, and man am I hungry for it now. 

Praise God, for He is good and desires to come dwell among His people.

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Advent?

Hey There.

 It’s been a hot minute…I won’t apologize we’ve all been going through a lot. I’ve had some thoughts stirring inside tonight and I just need to put them down somewhere. Good thing that’s what this is for, as bad as I am at using it.

The last post I made was pre-pandemic, back in February shortly before the world fell apart. It’s wild to look back at that and think of how much the world has changed in 10 months, think about how much I have changed in 10 months. I hardly find a reason for a recap, we all know what’s happened – between murder hornets, COVID-19, and the craziest social and political unrest I’ve seen in my lifetime…I bet we can all agree the murder hornets were the worst. All jokes aside, the world has change and I won’t even try to pretend for the better.

 

I want to address that I don’t know all my audience, or maybe I used to know you but we’ve grown apart, or maybe we just went to high school or college together. Because of that I’ll give a brief overview of me and what I do. I’m in my second year serving as a children’s ministry director for a large Methodist church in San Antonio, TX. I graduated in May of 2019 with a Masters in youth ministry and a calling to help build faith sustainable for a lifetime in young Christians. I’ve been on a journey through God’s grace and grief since I lost my soon to have been fiancé Cameron in February of 2017. And since Spring Break of March 2020 I’ve been trying to figure out how do you spread the Gospel to children and Family through a computer and TV screen. Sometimes I camp, sometimes I do photography, sometimes I escape to Colorado and pretend like I live there. But most times I’m serving God and families growing to be more like Christ.

 

You may be wondering why I haven’t written since before the pandemic. Well, it’s simple. I’ve been silent since spring because the hurt is just too big, the words are not enough, and it’s been desperately hard enough just making it each day from sun up to sun down. I’d like to say I’ve thrived during this time, found new strides in ministry and taken the cup half full view on circumstances. But I haven’t, not for the majority of this season. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been joy, there’s been laughs, there’s been plenty of moments to remind me I have so, so much to be thankful for. But for over all this season, I’ve been surviving, not thriving. And that’s okay.

 

Maybe someday when I have a clear head to reflect on these past months I’ll have some stories to share and wisdom to impart from where God has revealed God’s self – because I promise it’s happened. But that’s not what I want to talk about tonight. This week has been particularly rough with work and just continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I’ve sat back and asked the question so many times why are we still doing this, where’s the hope and what’s even the point. This is particularly elevated as we are quickly approaching the season of Advent, a season of waiting in expectation of the coming King. I assume many of the people who find themselves in similar positions as mine probably feel like these past 9 months have been a whole lot of “hurry up and wait”. Yet here we are finding ourselves in the Liturgical period of Holy waiting with anticipation.

 

So to be clear, I freaking love Christmas. I’ve always loved Christmas. I used to be one of those crazy people who starts listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween. Since I was little Christmas has always been my favorite time of year because of traditions, family gatherings, gift giving and receiving, and obviously the celebration of the birth of Jesus. I will absolutely claim that there was a new appreciation I found for Christmas when I started seminary, and especially in the years following losing Cameron, Brittany, and Embree (if you don’t know who those people are go read my last post). Christmas 2017 was a rough one, it had only been months since losing Cameron, and then Brittany just a few days before Christmas. Honestly, Christmas won’t ever be the same but I’m finding a new beauty in the pain and struggle of it. What I found the last few Christmas’s, through having experience despair, hopelessness, sorrow and grief was actually a new found joy for the season of celebrating when Christ came humbly to walk among us. I remember driving to church the first Sunday of Advent 2018 when I finally let myself listen to some Christmas music and just weeping at words I’d sung all my life. Joyful, Joyful we adore thee, God of Glory Lord of Love. O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant. O come let us adore Him Christ the Lord. Joy to the world the Lord has come.

 

Y’all when I say weep, I mean WEEP. I know I’ve written about it before, but when you’re in the darkest pits, it seems the light of Christ shines all that much brighter. It sounds simple but the thought of My God, Creator of the Universe who holds everything together and spoke everything we know into being chose to be born to this world in humility as a baby boy. The Alpha and Omega, “Jesus Christ who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:6-8) The start of that story of how God so loved the world, so loved me, that He gave His only son is what we start celebrating with words like “joyful, joyful we adore thee” and “O come all ye faithful”. It was in those moments I realized I’d lost that emotional connection to why we sing those words year after year after year. And oh man, emotional did I get.

 

Fast forward to tonight. I haven’t had a Friday without a plan in weeks so today got a little boring when I made it through my chores that I’d been neglecting for way to long. I decided I needed a little joy in my life and I wanted to see Christmas lights. I used to live in New Braunfels and have always loved how beautifully they dress up for Christmas and decided I’d go see if they had lit the square up yet. So I hopped in the car and took the long way to New Braunfels. The lights were in fact on but there were so many people around I decided not to stop because COVID – but it was a pretty sight. I haven’t listened to any Christmas music up until this point yet so I decided to turn some on. I have a great love for anything Michael W. Smith Christmas so I started my favorite album for the drive home. Within just a few notes, that tight throat, weepy feeling started creeping up – but it was met with a bitter thought of “Joy? What joy is there to be found when the world is in the state it’s in.” Experiencing that emotional expression of the joy of Advent almost felt inappropriate, distasteful, and wrong in light of the state of the world currently. I really wanted to run from that feeling but instead I turned down the longest possible route home and decided to sit with it, music turned up loud.

 

Bitterness has been my battle this seasons, for many different reasons. I found the feeling of bitterness and joy in battle tonight. Obviously, there’s been the lingering doubts of “how can we call God good when so many people are dead from coronavirus?” I’ve asked endlessly where is God in all of this, and I know so many of my brothers and sisters in ministry are simultaneously asking themselves that questions as well as guiding young believers through asking that questions as well. “How could we possibly celebrate Christmas at a time like this” I found myself asking. I even in a phone call earlier today joked about just skipping it all this year. Where I sit tonight at the end of the night, and where I would like to explore over this season of Advent is why more than ever we should celebrate.

 

We are in a period of waiting, and we’ve been waiting since March. Waiting for curves to flatten, waiting for spikes to happen, waiting for a vaccine, waiting for election results, waiting for test results, waiting, waiting, waiting. Have you forgotten as I have the holiness that is waiting, and the biblical narrative that is characterized by waiting? I believe that the whole Bible is one continuous narrative that points to Jesus. When you look at the Bible, think about how much waiting there is in those stories. We wonder where God is in all of this in 2020, I think of the over 400 years the Jews waited on the Lord in Egypt, wondering when God would answer their cry. I think of the disciples after Jesus ascension, waiting for His return. I think of the Israelites wandering in the desert, waiting to enter the promise land. I think of all those characters who waited and waited, and never received what they waited for. This is where we find ourselves, soon to be liturgically in a season of waiting as well as literally in a season of waiting. Think of all the Lord might reveal to us during this period of holy silence, holy waiting.

 

Lord hear our cries.

Let's Get Real...Again

Hi, my name is Katherine and I need to get real for a second.

Whether you're tuning into this word vomit of a blog or you've been with me since I've started, thanks for being here tonight. It means a lot that you'd take time to sit with me even for a moment.

So let's get real for a few moments...

Friday was the three year anniversary of Cameron's passing and I decided to take a trip for the weekend in memory of him and to get away and spend some time just me and him. I went down to a spot down on the coast we had been before and did a few things we said we were alway going to do, but never got a chance to. I had some wonderful time to sit and think and process and remember, it was truly wonderful. Then today I spent the day with his family whom I love dearly and that was wonderful as well. But I can't paint this all as wonderful and beautiful because it hasn't been all wonderful and beautiful.

I'm still trying to put all the pieces to the puzzle together on what's brewing inside this here crazy mind of mine, and I just feel the need to talk it out with you readers for a second. And that second I can feel is turning into a road map of other things that will be presented to you as well. But let's start here. This year leading up to the anniversary of Cameron's passing has been awful. Just an absolute nightmare and it hasn't been like that the past two years. Don't get me wrong, February 14th-21st the past few years have been really hard, but this year has comparatively has been worse and I think I'm coming to some conclusions on why. Except I hesitate to say conclusions because I'm no counselor or mental health professional, but these feel logical to me.

Over the past 9ish months I have seen a ridiculous amount of life change. I graduated seminary, finished a residency with a church that was not always the most easy or wonderful place to be, started a new job in a new vocational ministry setting, moved to a new city, and have tried to figure out what life is truly like as a young professional "adult". My last chapter, the one of school and work, seeing the same group of friends on a consistent basis, an extra challenging ministry setting, and much more was the chapter that also had written into it the three most terrible things I've ever been through. Those lines of my story were so interwoven with each other - the people, places, and things were all intimately acquainted with each other that from one group to another, my story was know. My church life knew Cameron, my school life knew Cameron, my home life knew Cameron and Brittany, and on and on you get the picture. I could talk to someone at CLUMC who knew I'd lost my boyfriend, best friend, and sweet niece in less than two years, then I could talk to someone at school who also knew, and by evening talk to friends at home who also knew. The comfort that comes in other people's intimate knowledge of your story is something I didn't even recognize or come close to appreciating until the page turned and that chapter came to an end.

A new chapter has started and with it brand new challenges navigating the waves of grief that I couldn't have even anticipated coming about. And for the past 9ish months I've done far more running from the challenges than I have facing them head on. But last week and this weekend I've been granted time to sit and process and really rip the bandage of grief off to expose a whole new rawness that isn't going to heal until it's allowed hit fresh air and breath. So where is where I find myself, at a terrifying new point of knowing it's time to start talking again about the things I both desperately ache to talk about but also shy so far away from. Let's talk about death, loss, grief, sorrow, and most of all where the cross is in it all.

So I'm going to try and break this up because I have a whole lot to say and it's not fair to limit any piece or any story. Over the next few weeks I want to share my experience of the past three years for two important reasons. The first is that the body of people around me is both old a new. My last chapters players are still here - my friends and family who walked with me through the actual events are still here and still so important to me. But now there's a new group of people who are becoming just as important and who I'm ready to invited into this ongoing narrative. So that's the first thing I'll talk about, the second thing is I've stopped talking consistently about the people I love, and that's caused some deep wounds that I didn't realize where even happening. My hope is by talking about this again, openly and publicly that maybe this pain and confusion can mean something more than just how I'm working to move forward towards a healthier me.

Before we move forward, I know there are those reading who haven't heard the stories yet, so let me introduce you to some people I love very dearly who are with Jesus now.

This is Cameron.

Cameron Murphy was my boyfriend, and I go so far as to say fiancé because we had decided we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, we just hadn't gotten to the proposal part yet. That's on me, he tried a couple of times but I told him I needed him to wait (y'all waiting for the perfect moment that fits all of these preconceived expectations and desires is stupid. If you love someone, tell them, tell the world. I'll talk more about that later). We met in June of 2016 the first day of VBS at Canyon Lake UMC, and if you want to read that story you can check out one of my earlier blogs. We were planning our lives together, figuring out what means and timeline of making that happen to honor ourselves, my crazy school/work schedule, our families, and ultimately God were when he passed away unexpectedly of an undiagnosed heart conditions. Cameron passed in his sleep February 21st 2017 and my life hasn't been the same since. I'm going to stop there for now but in the time after his passing I wrote down some stuff about him in the blog, you can go check it out if you want to know a little bit more. 

This is Brittany.

Brittany Wood, and then Whittle was one of my best friends from my sophomore year in high school (2008) until her passing in December of 2017. Brittany also passed away peacefully in her sleep due to heart complications similar to Cameron's. Brittany was one of the most loving, selfless, goofy, real, enthusiastic, strong, spitfires of a person I have ever know. Brittany and I met in high school choir when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman, and it was basically our weirdness that brought us together. We had a decently normal high school experience, and there were many time Brittany fought much harder for our friendship than I did. Brittany has a rough home life, and I was fortunately someone who was invited into that story of hers, and looking back what an honor that was to be a safe space for her. 

 While I was in college we saw each other pretty much whenever I was at home, but she was so persistent in making sure she called, texted, skyped, whatever she could do to keep up with my life, pray for me, and be such a great friend even when I wasn't. It wasn't until close to the end of my time in college when I finally got my act together and reciprocated all the had done for me. 

There's more to the story that I would love to share about Brittany right this second. I'm sure she would love for me to share all I would like to about what brought us even closer together, but in respect for other people who love her as much as I do I need to have a few conversations before I dive into those stories. What important to know is Brittany invited me into parts of her life not many people where, and I had the privilege of loving her through some very difficult life circumstance and struggles with her heath, and it's no surprise we were brought even closer together. By the time I started seminary and moved back south, we were much more than friends, we were more like sisters. Brittany was with me ever step of the way through the struggles of starting grad school. She was there through every ugly moment of losing Cameron. We were right there by each others sides fighting our personal dragons side by side until she went to be with Jesus. I miss Brittany every single day and still almost two and a half years later fight so many impulses to text, call, or post funny pictures of cats or cows on her facebook page. 

This is Embree. 

 Embree is Cameron's precious niece. One of the blessings of knowing Cameron is I've been adopted into his family, regardless of the fact we were never got around to making it legal on my end. We found out Cameron's sister Caitrin was pregnant in December of 2016, a few short months before Cameron passed. Cameron was so beyond excited to be an Uncle, and I was so excited to get to watch him become fun Uncle Cameron. In losing Cameron, Embree was a little light of hope and joy we so desperately needed in the midst of grief and loss. Embree was born June 11th, 2017 and we were all just immediately smitten. For the first 6 months of Embree's life everything was seemingly normal. When Embree was 7 months old we started noticing signs that something wasn't quite right. There's much more to the story than that, but I'll save that for later. 

Embree was diagnosed at 7 months old with a extremely rare, genetic neurodegenerative disease called Sandhoffs Disease. I'm not great at explaining the details of Sandhoffs, but you should click the link to read more from NTSAD, National Tay-Sachs and Allied Diseases organization to read more about Sandhoffs and other regressive genetic diseases: 
https://www.ntsad.org/index.php/the-diseases/sandhoff

Embree went to be with Jesus on September 17, 2018. There is less for me to say on Embree's passing simply because I do not think I have fully processed the whole experience. I loved that sweet baby as much as if we were actually related. I was there the day she was born, and I was there the day she went to be with Jesus, and I've been a part of mourning with her family since she's been gone. I want to say a lot more about Embree and my experiences with her parents and grandparents, and those words are coming.


Now that you've met or been reintroduced to three people I love dearly, let me talk a little bit about why I'm writing tonight. Like I said, I've got two motivations - new people in my life, and my own choice to stop talking about these people and events that make up the core of who I am.

Grief is weird in that you both want to talk all the time about what you're going through, but also find it incredible exhausting and sometimes that makes you want to avoid it at all cost. I love talking about these people, sharing memories and telling stories about them. I find it healing to talk about my experience losing them - once I get started talking about them it's hard to stop. But that the thing, starting to talk about them with anyone who wasn't already intimately a part of the situation (and sometimes those who where there!) is such a battle.



What if I start talking and I start crying?

What if I make who I'm talking to uncomfortable?

What if the other person thinks it's awkward I'm sharing this?

How can I sum this all up without oversharing?

Should I even be talking about this? 

Why do I owe them any information about this? 

Are they going to think I'm being over dramatic? 

Are they going to make assumptions if I don't explain enough?

Am I going to trigger something within them that they don't want to think about?



These are just a few of the question that cross my mind whenever I bring up the losses I've been through in the past three years. When I say it's exhausting the talk about loss, it's not just the emotions that arise when I do finally open up about losing my people, it's like a mental marathon just getting to a point I feel comfortable even saying something! 9 times out of 10, it's far easier to find something else to talk about, or find a way around sharing my experiences, or giving the tiniest explanation followed by "but I don't really want to talk about it."

With this new chapter in life I've been faced with so many more decisions to talk about my losses than I've had in a while. And in the past 9 months I've chosen far more often to remain silent than to share who I am and what I have learned. Up until Christmas time I stopped writing, stopped sharing pictures, stopped talking about what I had been through.

It's been kind of like having a sink full of dirty dishes that need to be cleaned, the longer you leave it, the more of a problem it causes. For a little while it's just a visual mess, you can not look at it, walking by blissfully choosing to ignore it but knowing it's there. But the longer you do that the more problem arise. It starts to smell, bringing discomfort even when you're not right there looking at it. It also leaves you without the things you need for you kitchen to function, like plates to eat on or a clean sink to wash what you've cooked in. You start to dread fixing the problem, knowing it's getting nastier and nastier and that even pushes you to wait longer. You find every way to not deal with it, there's ways around not having dishes or a clean cooking space! But they're not really healthy alternatives...Eventually, it leaves your whole kitchen useless until you finally suck it up and wash those dishes. And obviously speaking from experience, I've always found what I built up in my head to be a terrible nasty experiences never ends up being that.

I have honestly fallen in love with Northern Hills UMC, and am so thankful that it's not only my places of employment but my church home. But I was holding onto my true self and stories about my past few years, keeping it from this new family I've found simply because it's such an exhausting process sharing my experience. Until Christmas, when I was asked to write a devotional for advent. I wrote about Cameron, about losing Cameron, and a brief glimpse of that experience. The wave of relief that washed over me when that email was sent to the entire congregation was so powerful and has started the cogs moving towards sharing more about my experiences. I want people to know, I want people to be invited into who I am and what I've experienced, and even more I know I have stories about God's goodness to share. It's time to stop avoiding the topic simply because it's exhausting to tell the stories.

Because these stories don't belong just to me. The stories belong to me, to Cameron, to Brittany, to Embree, and ultimately to God.

At a retreat during my last year of seminary I felt a huge conviction from the Lord to talk about my story. I spent some time in prayer, basically complaining and being mad at God that I had to carry this burden of loss and grief. I just wanted to be like everyone, everyone been through hard things yes but for someone at my age I've experienced an unusual amount of hardship and loss. I remember saying I just want to blend in, to have a story like everyone else not so that I had never suffered, but so I didn't have all this work of talking about what I had been through. I clearly heard from God in those moments of prayer"Why would you want to blend in when I have clearly made you to stand out." Oh boy. The Lord continued to show me pictures of a life spent telling stories about the human experiences and the complexity and joy of a relationship with our Creator in the midst of all this world could throw at us. I saw that this story of mine was very little to do with me, as much as I had focused on how I was experiencing it. What I had failed to see to that point was how many more words I had gained to talk about who God is and who we are and how much we needed the cross through what I have experienced. This doesn't subtract from just how painful my experiences were and continue to be, but when you're walking hand in hand with a God who wants to hold you through the suffering instead of watching you from above, it makes the process even more blessed and joy filled.

My story isn't about me, it's about God. But what I've lost sight of is it is also about the people who are with Jesus too. Remembering all that God's done requires remembering those people who brought about the whole conversations in the first place. Cameron, Brittany, and Embree all had an impact on me and on this world, and the significance in who they are in my life means an incredible amount in the words about how good God is. I remember better how good God is when I remember how much Cameron loved me, and why it hurt so much when he passed. I remember better how good God is when I remember every silly story about Brittany and how much more enjoyable and fun she made my life. I remember how good God is better when I remember the excitement of adding a new life to this family who chose me and who I to love so hard. You can't talk about how far you've come without talking about where you started - a journey must have a beginning even if you can't see the end.

I have to be honest, I really would like to become reacquainted with Cameron. I need to remember how having Brittany as a best friend made me the person I am today. We owe it to Embree that her 15 months means so much and will continue to impact the lives of others. I honor my people by talking about them, by setting myself and my anxieties aside and simply talking. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk, and write, and share about who they were and who I am as a result of knowing the. And even more, I'm going to talk about how great God is for creating all three of them, blessing me with their lives, and carrying me through what life is like without them. I don't fully know what the plan from here is, but I know it involves a lot of me telling stories and sharing about my experiences in grief and loss.


So Hi, my name is Katherine Reed. I'm 27 years old, a children's ministry director at a church in San Antonio, and have a lot to share about dealing with death and grief. I hope you'll join me in this conversation.

Happy Late Valentines Day!

Hello again!

Wow. Still bad at this. But we're still pushing on forward more into this writing thing. Put practices makes progress, not perfection. 

I think I said last blog I was going to be working on some theological commentaries for popular media, and yes that's coming. Just not tonight.

Tonight I'm writing from a coffee shop in my old college town and truthfully it's both strangely comforting and uncomfortable at the same time. February is a hard month from me, or at least it has been for the past three years, and I feel like I've either been seeking out the ultra familiar for comfort or either...idk sleeping? I've been sick a lot recently and my allergies are just kicking my butt. The past few weeks have been filled with a few pilgrimages back to what is familiar apparently. I've hung out in quite a few spots that I used to haunt frequently before I moved to San Antonio, and next weekend I'm taking the whole weekend to head back to a spot that was significant to Cameron and I. 

This morning in worship I was thinking about how on Friday it will be three years since we lost Cameron, and somehow that feels like both no time at all and also like a lifetime has passed. Though this is the third time I've done this, walking into this week I feel like I'm doing it all over again for the first time. This is the first year I won't be with my CYMT community for the anniversary of Cameron's passing. Retreat has always fallen on the weekend that marked his passing, so I always had my community to go be amongst during that time. Regardless, I'm excited to go spend some time down by the coast in one of our spots. 

But also this morning during worship, along side of remembering what this week means to me, I was also reminded about what else we're celebrating in February. This month the children's ministry has been spending a month talking about God's love and what we are invited into when we choose to be a part of that kingdom that loves God and loves others. I've had the chance to write a series of devotionals for families to read together covering some of the Bible's most familiar verses having to do with God's love. Since I'm venturing into this whole writing thing, I figured here is as good a place to post those as anywhere else. 

The first week we focused on John 3:16, arguably the Bible's most well known piece of scripture. I have to admit though, I did not write the devotional for that week, so I won't post that one. The second week of February we talked about what is love actually? We used one of arguably the most taken out of context pieces of scripture, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to explain what is Paul saying someone who loves others well look like. The third week, this week, we are talking about we love because God loved us first. We’re talking a look at some of the passage from 1 John 4 talking about why we choose to love as well. Next week we will talk about love being the greatest commandment we’ve been given. I won’t be posting that devotional until later.

So, if you’re interested in those, keep reading!

February 9, 2020 

What is Love? 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 

We say we love a lot of things. Go ahead, name 3 things you love: 

1.       

2.       

3.       

We use the word love to describe so many things that we like and enjoy. One thing you may love is chocolate ice cream, and while liking chocolate ice cream a lot isn’t bad, shouldn’t saying we love something or someone mean something more? In the Bible, a pastor named Paul spends some time explaining to a church he started what it really means to love, and I don’t think he was talking about like the way you love chocolate ice cream.  

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Paul explains what love should look like when one person is showing love to another person. He says a person showing love to someone else looks like patience and kindness. They aren’t rude and they don’t show off or try to make the other person jealous. People who love put other people’s needs first, instead of always having it their way. People who love try to be in a good mood when they spend time with other people; even when the other person isn’t in a good mood. People who love do not hold grudges, instead they are excited when other people are treated kindly, and always tell the truth. And most of all, the remember that love comes from God. God’s love never stops, never takes a day off, never decides showing love is too hard. And when we have God’s love, we can do all those things as well! Do you think chocolate ice cream can do all that?  

So think about these things” 

1.How often do you say you love something or someone? 

2.Do you think most of the world knows what love means when we are talking about God’s love? 

3.Do you think we should find another word to talk about things we just like and not love? 

4. How hard do you think it is to love people the way Paul describes? 

5. How do you feel when people show love to you the way Paul describes? 

Next one!

February 16, 2020  

Because He First Loved Us 

Read together 1 John 4:9-11, 19 

9 God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. 10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 

19 We love each other because He first loved us.  

It seems like we learn to do something one of two ways. When we are young, we watch our parents and do what they do. Have you ever watched a young child start to act and talk like their mom or dad? I’m sure you did that at some point when you were little! Little kids tend to be a mirror that reflects what they see around them in how their parents and family act. 

We learn how to act, how to talk, how to treat one another by watching our parents as we grow up, and then maybe when we get a little older we look at each other and follow what the other is doing. Have you ever heard of a trend? A trend is when actions, words, what we like follows a certain direction, and that direction is towards what everyone else likes usually! Think of what’s trending at your schools, is it hair scrunchies and hydro flasks? Is it LOL Dolls and Pokémon? We follow what everyone else is doing because we want to fit in, because we see someone else doing it! 

Trends are all around us, but we know as people that follow Jesus the most important trends we should be following are the examples Jesus set for us. Jesus came to this earth and walked alongside people, and we have so many stories written about how Jesus taught us how to love each other. Jesus lived in our world, experienced what it was like to be happy, be sad, be grumpy, not feel well, have his friends be mean to him, and still Jesus never sinned. Jesus was the perfect example of what it means to love others unconditionally, and it did not take a cool hairstyle or wearing what as most fashionable clothes to get people to follow Him.  

Still today, we know that we love other people the way God calls us to because we have the example of Jesus to follow. Even more, we love others because God loved us first. God loved us so much, that even when we did not deserve it, He sent Jesus to come be our way to spend forever with Him in Heaven. There is no trend that will ever be as great as God’s actions in love. We love others because we are following God’s example, and God loved us first.  

Think about these things: 

1.What trends do you follow?  

2.Who sets and example for you in your life? Are they good examples or bad examples? 

3.What stories from the Bible talk about Jesus loving other people?  

I continually stand amazed at how such a big God could love something so small and insignificant as us. This month diving further into God's love has been so fun, and I'm excited to continue into it. We haven't even scratched the surface, and I don't think even an entire lifetime could be enough time to completely understand the love God has for us. But man, what a beautiful thing to get to live in the shadow of God's glorious and unfailing love. 

And I think I'll leave it at that tonight folks, I've got some scripture to read to get ready for young adult Bible study tomorrow....because yes, even in post grad school life we're STILL procrastinating. Nothing ever changes. 

Peace.

K