And if not...

Hey. It's been a while. But I'm trying to get back in the habit.

So it's been a month and two days since Cameron passed, a week and a half since his memorial, and life is finally starting to re-establish itself. I keep straying from the phrase "getting back to normal" because without Cameron, normal is not the same as it was. But it feels as if life is settling into a new, okay groove.

It's been a heck of a week and a half. I've been back to Dallas for a few days, spent time with my wonderful friends, had some cool things happen for my ministry (hopefully more coming on that), made some changes to life so that it's more comfortable going forward (also more about that later). A lot has changed in the past two days, but one of the things that I've realized about life is that the only thing that is constant in life is change. But it's what you chose to do with change that makes life meaningful, or stressful.

I've been working with a Christian counselor over the past few weeks to help with this life transition I'm walking through and we did an interesting exercise the last time we met. She had me put my life on a timeline and plot all the places where I've had experienced loss, from childhood all the way up to today. But we were not just talking about loss like death, but loss of anything: people, pets, jobs, relationships, and plans for the future. It was weird to see my life laid out on a timeline like that not because I've suffered a lot of loss through death, but I've had a lot of loss through "change of plans" more than anything. I sat back and didn't see a timeline full of loss, but a timeline full of change. I saw placed where I'd had a plan I was trying to make happen, and God came in a said differently. I'd not gotten more jobs I had applied for (and had my heart set on) than anything else on that timeline, but for every time I didn't get hired there was a time I was offered a job that was more beneficial to my story than  what I had originally sought after. So that goes two ways: 1) I'm a crazy planner and 2) God is always there with the counter play.

I've been wrestling internally for a few months with the idea of God's supreme power and control of life. During my Old Testament class last semester we had many discussions about the struggle of the Israelites with who God was and how much control he actually has over our life. {Now, to prefix this little rant, I'm not here to bust anyones understandings of God and challenge what you believe about his control, that's the last thing I want to do. But I am here to report on what I've learned from scripture over the past months and examine how it effects what I'm going through now. So, with that said, I apologize if someone reading thinks I'm screaming heresy...though I'm trying not to. } When you study Old Testament scriptures you see a lot of where God either starts over, or brings and end to something because humans have gone out of control. The flood narrative is what immediately comes to mind in those discussions of God "starting over". Without going into a ton of detail about what the scripture actually says, you see the Israelites questioning a lot of whether God is actually in control or not. (If God was actually in control, why would he need to start over? Why wouldn't he just go change the hearts of the people who messed things up?) With this knowledge of Old Testament scripture I think I have a very new image of God's control in life and how he chooses to act within it.

For me, God has a plan and a purpose set out for everyone (Romans 8:28). But, God also allowed us free will and we act within that element of our character (Deu 30:19-20, Pv 16:9, Gal 5:13). We aren't robots just programed to worship God and love him without choice (what would be the point if we couldn't choose? There's not real love in that). It's within our very God given nature that we have a say in how we live. We choose to love God, or not to love God. We choose to act within His law, or we choose not to. We walk the path he has for us, or we don't. Hopefully it's obvious that we should be living the way God has intended us to, but that's still a matter of choice. But in that, I believe that there's nothing we can do that God cannot work to turn into His glory and our good. So yes, I believe that we have a set path he intends for our life, but we being the silly humans we are may mess that up a bit. But even in our messy free will, he still works on our behalf to make us who we were truly intended to be. But one of the key elements of that is our willingness to be obedient to His will.

So this brings me back to the question: does God have control over what happens in our life? Is there a written record of my life, and what happen if I screw that up somehow? Can I even screw that up somehow? It's really a lot, and I don't blame anyone else for questioning along with me. I still haven't reached an answer about the fullness of God's control on life, but I believe there are ways to release that anxiety of unanswered questions of life here. When we can't answer about the uncertainty of life, we can answer with the certainties of God.

One certainty we have about God is that God is good. I saw a post about this today that sent my brain into an explosion of thoughts and rabbit trails and a million directions, but I think I've narrowed it down a little bit to say a little something about who God is. First here's the post I saw, and maybe it will help you connect to where I was talking about change, control, and free will:

This is not my picture or my artwork, I just found it on Facebook and do not own it. 

Even if today didn't go as planned, Lord
and if it's not at all what we hoped, 
and if we're not yet quite what we hoped, 
and if life's not unfolding to our Plan A
and if it's not even close to Plan B
and if the diagnosis is not great
and if the forecast is not good
and if not... and if not... and if not...
*You still are.* You still are Good & You still are God.
And we will be the people who will still...
The people who will still rest in it & sing it into the dark, into the weekend:
"and if not -- He is still Good. He is still God... so we can still & be & be at rest."

Whoo, that a lot. I've had a lot of days that didn't go as planned. I think I must be down to at least Plan F by now. I've known a lot of change, but the thing that never changes is that God is still good. Even though I've known this as self evident truth my whole life, I let myself ask the question "how do we know" just for fun (so I'm getting to be a theology nerd, that can be cool right?). I'm still an infant theologian, but I went straight to the scripture to try and answer this question a bit. 

Now in my theologian infancy, I've got my Bible, my Strong's Concordance, Blue Letter Bible, cross referencing, and word study at my disposal for figuring out the truth about God. I'm not anywhere close to even good at it yet, but I thought I met some cool conclusions in my spastic searching for the meaning of God's goodness today. So since I'm not trying to write a thesis on this *yet*, here's my findings:

I started with the simple google search Bible verses that talk about God's goodness like all good theologians do (so not true but just go with me). Right off the top I found two different verses that speak of God as good, one from the Psalmist and one from Jesus. I started at Psalms 119:68 that says You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees. Going to the my Concordance, Strong's definition and word origins looks like this:

That's a whole lot of hard to make out information about the Hebrew word for good used there. In context, the Psalmist is using towb to describe Yahweh and all the things he has done. The way I read this is that the description of "good"comes from the actions that are preceded by the description of Yahweh. If you look at the other words that are acquainted with this definition of good they are all words that would describe something that will only bring beneficial things. I went around in circles with all those definition words and if I learned anything it's that my grammar in english alone is probably subpar, much less try and make it make sense in Hebrew (ESPECIALLY SINCE I'VE TAKEN NO HEBREW TO THIS POINT). So in that confusion I went to Blue Letter Bible to access International Standard Bible Encyclopedia. I feel like it put the categories for the use of the word "good" in the bible into an easier perspective. Here's more of what I gleaned from the encyclopedia break down of the Hebrew and Greek words for good:

Old Testament word for good: Tobh, Tubh, yaTabh

Meanings for the words distinguishable by these uses:

A) Desirable Qualities

B) Moral Excellence

C) Benevolence

D) Sufficient 

E) Not Small or Deficient 

F) Not Blemished; fair and honorable

G) Pleasure giving; happy

In one freaking word, you can sum up all that we know of God - 

God has the most desirable qualities

God is excellent in all sense of the word

God is benevolent (kind) towards us

God is sufficient - God is enough

God is not small or deficient -- God is big 

God is perfect -- He is without fault or blemish and in that He is fair and honorable

God is happiness, because he is enough, he is inherently pleasurable

When I broke it down in this way my mind was blown. In one simple, four letter word, you can define a great number of the qualities of God's character as well as the reasons that we should worship him. 

I always felt like the phrase "God is good" was never enough, that it put God in this one little box to characterize him and just wasn't big enough. But when you dig into scripture and further past our simple english translation it's like a whole new understanding is opened up for who God is. Especially when you look at the New Testament and see that Jesus points back to God being the only good there is. Mark 10:18: "Why do you call me good?" Jesus asked. "Only God is truly good". Jesus is responding to the man who calls him Good Teacher, but even Jesus says that he doesn't stand next to God who is the only true good. This use of good is translated into greek as agathos:

Strong defines this use of the word good as benefit - something that benefits. You can break it down to Jesus describing God as a benefit in his goodness, and that benefit is aimed towards us. God's goodness is all about our benefit, whether we recognize it or understand it or not, God at his simplest has our benefit at heart. But that benefit works right along with his glory. I always go back to Romans 8:28, God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. So while I can't fully say that all change in our life is caused by God, I can fully say that in his goodness, he makes it all work together for our benefit. The use of the word good in Romans 8:28 is translated back to that agathos: benefit. 

Change in life is inevitable, but good or bad change can and will result for our benefit. The God we serve is a benevolent God, who loves us beyond all compare. As simple as good, or as complicated as you want to make it, God is in our corner and fighting on our behalf, no matter what we might throw at him. Free will can't stand between God and us. Change can't stand between God and us. So as I try and make sense of all the change that's happened recently, try to make sense of how much control God has, I remember that over it all God is good. He's defined as such in our holiest of scriptures, by our most righteous of Biblical figures. 

Tonight I rest in that. I rest in it being enough that God is good. I rest in trying to figure what Plan F looks like. I rest in the fact that everything may come together, life may brighten and Plan F may work. 

And if not..

He is still good

Not Quite Back

It's been a few days since I've posted, all due to Cameron's memorial being yesterday. I am so thankful for everyone who has offered any good word, prayer, hug, or encouragement. I've never been through pain like this before, it's beyond any sense that I'm familiar with. I'm not quite back yet, it will be a while before I recognize me again.

I was driving from Canyon Lake to my parents house in Dallas area to send a few days away to clear my head and hopefully catch up on school. I had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to cry, a lot of time to pray, a lot of time to yell and scream about it all. I'm not quite back yet, it will be a while before I'm ready to fully write again. But I did want to share what I shared at Cameron's memorial yesterday. The service was so beautiful, but I wish I felt more closure. I hoped maybe the memorial would help me feel some kind of distinctive difference or sense of moving on...if anything I feel more lost and empty than before. Tonight I try and allow myself grace, that this is something life changing that I won't bounce back from over night. I lost my best friend, my closest confidant, my head cheerleader, the love of my life, my future husband, and my other half. That's not something you recover from in a week, two weeks, or three weeks. Tonight I try to be kind to myself, that I pause to let my heart and soul heal; to let my heart and soul hurt. So tonight I feel, I don't  try too hard and I have grace with myself. But also tonight I share this piece of our story in what I shared at Cameron's memorial:

For those who don’t know, my name is Katherine. Cameron and I have been dating since June of last year and had hoped to spend our lives together. There are just words abounding from me about Cameron and have just flowed over the past few weeks. Too many words, it’s quite a common problem of mine, but here I find comfort in it. There are too many words to describe this man who did more for me than I will ever be able to explain.

I don’t have to convince anyone here how great a man Cameron was, he touched everyone here in so many ways. But we’re not here to convince anyone of anything, we are here to celebrate the memories and the life of this person who gave so much of himself to everyone else.

I have tried to channel Cameron over the past few weeks as I’ve tried to think of what I want to say to celebrate his life. What I keep landing on is how he would want it all to point back to Christ. That’s what he did, he showed people the love of the Lord by being that love himself. He taught people about God’s grace by showing grace himself.  Cameron used to talk about his Paul the Apostle mode, and I wish I had as much of a Paul the Apostle mode as Cameron did. 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 speaks of how Paul was “all things to all people”. He finished with I do everything to spread the good news and share in it’s blessing. That was Cameron’s life, he did everything to spread the good news and to share it’s blessing. Our lives have all been blessed because of Cameron’s tireless efforts to share the good news of the gospel. My favorite phrase he used to say is “I’m just here directing traffic.” I think those sitting here would agree he was one of the best traffic directors there could be.

I thank God for Cameron’s life, I was so blessed by his love, by his spirit, by his joy. I wait patiently for the day I get to enjoy it again. But until that day I hold tight to the memories we made, the joy of the time we had, and the way he changed me, the way he showed me a better picture of who Christ was. Since his passing I’ve felt a little piece of me missing, but I know that little piece is safe with him. So while I’m here, I choose to use my time to be like Cameron, the be like Paul. To be all things to all people so that they may share in the blessings of the gospel.

There are too many words

I have this problem. There are too many words. There are always too many words. I always have too many words, so many words everything just gets jumbled up and I get overwhelmed. But you know what, writing is helping to release that. For about a week now I've been trying to find the right words to share during Cameron's memorial...I'm on draft number 4 now I think. But I really like draft number three a lot, but it's much easier to share in writing than it would be to speak it, especially at such an emotionally charged time. So even though it wasn't purposed for this place, I'm giving it that purpose.

Today I wrote more about what Cameron taught me. My next lesson from Cameron was on love, real love. So here's my ranting from earlier today on what I've gained from loving Cameron and Cameron loving me:

(Keep in mind this is cut and pasted from where I'm trying to plan to speak words aloud...)

Cameron was my first real love. I didn’t expect to come here and fall in love when I started my time at CLUMC. Actually the contrary, I asked God to hold off on that part of my life until I was done with my time in seminary and serving here. I didn’t anticipate falling in love, but I’m so glad I did.  I was afraid to fall for someone, afraid to let them that deep into my life, into my being. I was afraid, until I met Cameron.

Cameron taught me so many incredible things, but what I will hold onto the tightest and forever be thankful for Cameron was what he taught me about real love. He taught me love is natural.  I’ve always heard the phase “when you know you know”. What I’ve found is that this is true; I know I knew because I was told by the Father “that’s him”. It was so easy to fall for Cameron because that first moment I saw him I felt God finally say, “that’s him”. It didn’t take much, it wasn’t scary or confusing, falling in love with Cameron was natural because we were following God’s lead. When God is the focus of our lives, everything else falls into place effortlessly.

Cameron also taught me that love is hard, but it’s so worth it. Loving anyone is hard, especially when you’re like me and didn’t really fully know how to do it. But Cameron taught me what real love looks like. Real love is selfless; real love requires you to think of the other person before yourself, but that real love leads to the most joy; because real love is finding happiness in someone else’s happiness. Cameron brought me joy beyond joy simply through his smile, his laugh, and his happiness.

Cameron taught me that love is humble. Before I fell in love with Cameron I always had this skewed idea that love required great actions to show your love in big gestures. But I learned that real love is found in the simplicity, real love is content with simply the presence of one another. It’s found in the silence of words that don’t need to be spoken. Real love is contentment with whatever circumstances you may find yourself in, as long as you have the other person by your side.

Cameron taught me that love is worth the fight. It’s worth enduring the pain and hardship of this world together, because love is bigger than our circumstance. Cameron loved like Christ loved. He loved without bounds and conditions. It defied rhyme or reason. There’s nothing I could have done to escape it or lose it. This is how the Father loves, it’s boundless, unconditional, inescapable, and unwavering. To be loved her on earth the way Christ loves, there aren’t words enough to describe the feeling.

If I have gained anything it is this: to love a person the way Christ does is the greatest gift you can give to one another. To be loved in its purest, simplest form is to gain a little glimpse of heaven. I fell in love with a man who gave that to me. Cameron loved me and taught me to love myself better, to love other harder, and to love God above all else. I will forever be blessed by his life.

I am changed because of who Cameron was and how he lived. My soul longs for heaven a little bit more; my heart cries out to God a little bit more, my joy is found in the unseen a little bit more. I choose to live into that changed life, to reflect the Father’s love because of how I have been loved. I want to glorify God with everything I do, I want to glorify God the way Cameron glorified God.

So that's it for me tonight. Slightly lazy but it's been a bit of an emotionally taxing day. But I keep trying to remind myself it's all progress. Praying for sleep, peace, and comfort as well get closer to the memorial this Saturday. 

I miss you

It’s crazy that a day ago I was writing about how cruddy a day it was, and now I’m thanking God for the greatness today has been. I drove up to Columbus, Texas to spend the day with my best friend Hannah who works at Pine Cove Camp. It’s amazing what a change of scenery does for feeling rejuvenated and semi restored. This is the second time I’ve been out to Pine Cove and I’ve loved getting way away from all the reminders of how tough life has been. I also am thankful to be able to get outside in God’s creation some today. Plus I never give up a chance to get back in the camp atmosphere, even if it isn’t my beloved Eagle Lake. We went and played with the horses out in the pasture and enjoyed the fresh breeze up on one of their playground towers. Though the opportunity comes out of adversity, I am so thankful for my sweet friend and the comfort she’s been through this whole process.

In my short amount of time I have while Hannah is fulfilling some duties for work, I paused to be in the word and hopefully crank out a little bit of a lighter post than yesterday, though I meant the honesty of all I had to say yesterday. Today I read Ecclesiastes 7, I don’t have my book with me but I read my normal NLT translation and then another modern translation The Message. King Solomon is just continuing in his explanation that life without God is meaningless. Today he talked about a good reputation, how meaningless wisdom can be but also how meaningless being a fool can be. Basically he wants everyone to examine life from all perspectives. He speaks of more of wisdom and foolishness and the meaning of life, but one particular verse caught my eye as I was reading.

Ecclesiastes 7:10 says don’t long for the “good old days.” This is not wise (NLT). Just early today I was lamenting to Hannah today just how badly I wanted things back the way they were before Cameron passed.  Things were starting to go well at the church, I had a man who loved me and we were so close to engagement, I had (and still have) straight As in school, it felt like I had it all. Everything within me cries out to God “why can’t things go back to the way they were?” I would give anything to have Cameron back; to hug him and tell him how much I love him. I would give anything not to start crying every time I walk into the church. I would give anything to have the comfort of feeling like I have some solid things in my future with him and with our plans for life. While none of those things are inherently bad, they are not what life has

]\now. Solomon warns against a fixation on how things were before, and there’s scripture that reminds us to keep looking forward to what God has before us.

I wish I knew the whole context in which Isaiah 43 is found, but I’ve got limited time at the moment so finding truth in just these verses will have to be enough. But verses 18 and 19 from chapter 43 speak of looking not to what has past but to the new things God is going to do moving forward. It says see what I have already begun…I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wastelands. While I continue to take it day by day and continue to mourn what has pasted, I can’t help but shake the feeling that God is whispering to me look to what I am going to be doing. I have no doubt that God is going to use what has happened here to his purpose. Like Adam Hamilton quoted about suffering, God does not depend on suffering for his purpose, but through it his purpose may be achieved.

I’ve had so many people speak words of wisdom about how what I learn during this time, what I experience in the following weeks and months, what I glean from this experience is only going to make me a better person and hopefully a better youth director. Leadership from CYMT had spoken words of encouragement that this experience is going to help me witness to kids dealing with loss someday. My friends have said that that when it comes to relationships of any kind I will have learned some amazing skills on conflict, communication, encouragement, love, acceptance, and so many more things. While suffering obviously isn’t something I would choose to go through, it is something that will only serve to make me a better person.

One of the many selfies Cameron would send me while I was away at school or up in Dallas with my family. It's a good shot of his cross that I wear now. I cannot even describe what a beautiful gift it is from his parents after his passing

So I continue to look forward to the future, to know that God is continuing to work a new thing in and around me. I know that it’s okay to continue to miss Cameron, and there probably won’t be a time that missing him wouldn’t be okay. But I look forward to the day that it is easier to walk forward into this new chapter of life and know Cameron goes with me, even if he’s not here on earth. I’ve got his cross that goes with me everywhere now, so I carry a little piece of him always. So tonight, I continue to miss him dearly, but also look forward to the promise of tomorrow. I look forward to God continuing to do things for his glory and my good.

I piece of Cameron that goes everywhere with me.

A Slow and Steady Climb

Today sucks. I said it, and mean it, today sucks. Admitting it and being honest about it are half the battle with me. So I promise no huge theological break through or spiritually uplifting word tonight, but a snapshot of the reality of mourning and loss. Everyone keeps telling me it comes in waves, one day you'll be fine and maybe even happy, the next you'll be back in the hole with the rain pouring down. I've never been in a place like this before, and I keep having to remind myself that it's all normal.

Today it was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to get dressed. It was hard to make breakfast. It was hard to convince myself to run to the office for a few things -- I lost that battle. I'm thankful for the graciousness of all of my leadership and senior pastor who have given me the permission to move at my pace, so thankfully it's not the end of the world I couldn't convince myself to face the outside world. I don't want to stay in this emotional state, but I keep being told over and over again if you don't work through it and just ignore it you're setting yourself up for more struggle later. That's what I hate the most, I'm a classic bottler. I want to throw it all in this little tiny box labeled LIFE SUCKS and stick it on the shelf that is my mind. If I could just package it all into a convenient little place and shove it behind the millions of other things I know I have going on right now I would be such a happy camper. What I'm finding about grief is that it's not easy to pack and store away.

As much as I want to suck it up and move on, the reminders are still there. I drive past his street every day. I sit in his seat on the couch. I work in the building we first met each other in. I attended worship in the sanctuary we agreed to get married in. He's everywhere I look and he's in everything I do. I can't pretend like it never happened.

I read Ecclesiastes today AND Through the Eyes of a Lion. Both made me want to scream. I looked for encouraging passages of scripture written in pretty scripts with pretty backgrounds, all of them seemed cliche. I thumbed through some other devotional books I have, nothing got me excited. I have to accept not everyday is going to be a good day, and that's miserable for me to do. But even though today was not a good day, God is still here.

I've been looking all day for something to write about, and I still haven't gotten any inspiration. I went throughout my day asking God for what to write about, and I just keep coming back to the conclusion that today is a bad day, but that doesn't mean that God is a bad God. When I have down days, God continues to have up days. When I have days of weakness and nothing seems right, God continues in strength. If there's anything I found comfort in today is was a post from a very good friend on the spiritual community page Cameron ran:

I'm not glad to boast in my weakness right now, if anything I'm cringing at every word I write. But my weakness only continues to point towards the power Christ has that I can rest upon right now. If I had it my way, I'd already be back at work, caught up with school, pristinely clean apartment, and all back right with the world, but that's not the truth. I am broken, but in my brokenness Christ brings strength. I don't feel it yet, and I'm sure like the mourning it comes in waves, but I know it will come. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and the earth will turn, and God will continue to be good. He makes all things new, but in his timing not ours. 

A new normal is coming, but I can't rush the process. I love the way my senior pastor put it: The only way out is through...one step at a time. So my step for today is accepting that I can be gracious with myself and let it be a bad day. I can be honest with myself and say it's been a bad day. I can rejoice that a bad day does not mean a bad life. Tonight I try to be kind to myself, to know that progress is slow and that's okay. Tonight I try to remind myself that each day gets better, no matter how big or small of a measure, it does get better. God is still good, and he is still with me, and that's all that matters. 

I love you. I know.

Well, I failed again, for I am only human. I've already have several people ask where the post from yesterday was. I took time out from the day to read and write, but the day just didn't end as planned for me. I was having probably one of the best day I've had so far, I had a dear friend in town and we spend the day in Austin together. We sat down at a coffee shop so I could write by blog post and it just didn't get finished before my computer died. So we left for dinner and I intended on finishing when I got home. After such a wonderful day I started heading towards home, and as I guessing is normal for being in mourning, had a wave of sorrow wash over me as I headed back to the lake. I was so lost in thought about Cameron and the upcoming memorial as I drove the dark empty roads into the hill country. I completely admit I was so lost in thought and shouldn't have been while driving late and night, or really any time at all. I got pulled over for speeding, 13 miles over the limit and less that 15 miles from home. I know the officer could hear it in my voice when I told him I was lost in thought and I definitely wasn't paying attention. I apologized as he took my license and registration. I started talking to God and asked he help relieve my mind for the rest of the drive home and to help me be content with whatever consequence I would face. The officer returned with my license and instead of giving me a ticket said "ma'am, you're so close to home. It's slick, there's deer, please be careful. Get home safe." I told him yes sir and thank you, and as I drove off burst into tear at his kindness and God's grace. Even when we're at fault, God works things for good. In the midst of the darkest valleys God is still there and still care for us. He gently comforts and shows his love and power even in the most unexpected ways. I don't know what that officer was, but I am so thankful for him and his compassion last night.

Upon returning home after the emotional roller coaster of my drive back I just didn't have any desire to sit and write as well as the fact it was already 11:30. So here I am now finishing what I started yesterday. I hope it means today as much as it would yesterday, so here goes:

I would like to start sharing some of what Cameron taught me. Yesterday I wrote about my struggle over the question of why did it have to happen this way and was it worth it? When I met with my coach and mentor for CYMT, he challenged me to really focus this time on remember the amazing times Cameron and I had together and all that he was able to teach me. I learned more through 9 months of knowing Cameron than I think I have every about love and selflessness. So, lets dive right in.

Cameron and I were enormous nerds. We love Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, classic video games, and many, many more things that we got to nerd out together over. One of my favorite things Cameron nerded the most over his serious man crush was Harrison Ford. Now, if you really know me, you know that I have a very large appreciation for Harrison Ford as well. Cameron used to send me pictures of the sweat shirts above and say he would order them for us some day. We watched those movies over and over again. One day when I was sick we watched all three of the original Indian Jones movies in a row. Movies were something we did a lot of, we bonded over a love of forgetting the real world for a moment and getting lost in a different one. Cameron so badly wanted to be a Han Solo or an Indiana Jones. He wanted big action and adventures, and we had a lot plan for ourselves, but one big looming beast sometimes put a damper on our adventures. 

Anxiety. 

Cameron wrestled with what I would consider pretty sever anxiety for most of his life. He would very frequently be plagued with these debilitating panic attacks that pretty much crippled him and left him mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. A simple definition for anxiety disorder is: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities. For us, anxiety made a lot of the decisions on how we spent our time together. 

For those who may not know me in person, let me give just a little background on me. I'm 24 years old, born and raise in Atlanta, Georgia and Dallas, Texas in my later teenage years. I come from a high activity family and an extensive background in any and all outdoor activities. Camping, hiking, skiing, backpacking, kayaking, swimming, hammocking, if it's outside and you can do with other people or alone, I love it. My Myers-Briggs is ESFJ, I'm a hard extrovert. People give me life, it's part of why I feel so called to youth ministry. I'm a social creature and crave the presence of others. I love seeing and being seen. While I have my homebody side and can make myself content in every situation, I love a fast pace life and tend to be pretty spontaneous. 

Cameron's spirit craved everything the same way I did, but as much as his spirit wanted it, anxiety said otherwise. Anxiety determined many of our activities, and our most common place was my couch in the cat cave (his nickname for my apartment; He loved my fur babies) or his Bat Cave (aka his room at his place). I came to love the quiet peace and simplicity of just one another's company, but it took me a while to get there, and even then I still struggled with understanding the nature of anxiety and how to love Cameron, and Cameron's anxiety. Let me explain a little more about myself. 

I have this little monster who lives inside of me, who rears his ugly head and tends to wreak havoc in my relationships. That monster is selfishness and low self esteem. By nature, I can be a very selfish person. I've learned about myself over the years that I have a hard time putting others before myself. Insecurities and social anxieties are something I know well too, and my protection from those things was the shield of thinking of me first. I would protect myself by constantly talking about me and what I had done and accomplished to keep this person's interest in me. What can I do for myself to make sure I keep people's interest. My desired to keep people in my life was more than a personality trait, it became the complementing actions to my fear of rejection and aloneness. What I've found is the more we lift ourself up in an attempt to keep the interest of others, the more pride we build and selfishness we gain, the more we push people away. I've experienced it first hand, I've driven people I love away over it. I like to think with the help of my loving savior that I am working on becoming less of this person. But if there's anything I can take from Cameron and my relationship it's how he taught me to not only put others first, but to find joy in putting someone else's needs before my own. 

Yes, he's that much taller than me.

Like I said earlier, Cameron loved fast and loved hard. He'd give you the shirt right off of his back if it was going to improve your life. I don't think I have ever met a person who was so giving of themselves as Cameron Murphy. He threw himself into building relationships with people in a way that helped them through tough times and even further helped them to Christ. Very frequently he would be working with someone through a rough time in their life, putting his own needs and struggles aside to care for another. Cameron would also give you his last dollar if you said you needed it. He always put others first and this was one of the his many character traits that attracted me to him in the first place. He served the Lord by serving other people, by considering others better than himself. He truly lived out Philippians 2:1-4 which says:

1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 

I strive to look more like Cameron did, to be humble like Cameron was. I think back on one particular event a few weeks ago that wasn't my most glorious moment, but one I won't forget because I can see change within myself and where we came out stronger on the other side. 

I had wanted for a long time for Cameron to come meet one of my fellow cohorts from my masters program and his wife for a long time. There are many reason why I felt like my friends Jordan and Allie would really connect with Cameron, and maybe he'd start feeling more comfortable around more of my friends. Cameron didn't get to meet all of my closest friends. Distance was a big factor, but another was anxiety; he counted himself out when it came to the idea of my friends loving him. What he never seemed to wrap his mind around was the fact that my friends didn't even have to meet him to know they loved him. They were ready with open arms to welcome him into our little family simply because he loved me and I loved him -- that was enough. One Saturday he agreed to come with me to Austin to go on a double date with Jordan and Allie. It took some persuading, but finally Cameron felt comfortable enough with my descriptions of them and reassuring that they were some of the best people I know. Tickets for the movie were purchased, Allie was cooking dinner, and I was so excited to share some time with so many people that are so important to me. 

We headed for Austin and got stuck in a traffic jam. Cameron started getting unusually quiet and wouldn't look at me. I asked him what was up and he told me he thought a panic attack was coming on. I asked if some of his medication would help at all and he said he didn't bring any with him (which was unusual, he almost always kept is anxiety meds on him). So like the fixer I am I started throwing out ever option for "how can I make this better", which the answer is I can't. After sitting for almost an hour and praying the anxiety would subside, it did nothing but increase, so he asked me if we could go home. I. was. furious. I handle anger with tears so automatically I started crying and just spitting venom at him about "well why didn't you have your medication" and "you said you were okay to go" and "why didn't you say something before we sent the money on tickets". With every harsh word that came out of my mouth I could feel my heart hardening and resentment coming on, then the words of Philippines 3:3-4. Look not unto the your own interest, but also into the interest of others. So as much as I wanted to keep yelling and crying, I bit my tongue. More harsh words arose in my mind - I'd be planning this day for so long, Jordan and Allie had been asking to meet him for months, how could I let them down? But the more I heard silence from Cameron, the more my heart broke. I realized the selfishness of my reaction. I looked at him and told him I was wrong for saying those things, but that I didn't know how to handle not getting my way well and I was sorry for my actions...I felt lower than dirt. I pulled the car off at the next exit and we turned around for home. 

The next 45 minuets were full of my not so silent sobs as I kept being whispered to lies about our future. Would we ever be able to do anything? Was I just signing up for a life of confinement to just the couch and movies? I didn't know that that was something I could accept. As I drove in silence for 20 minuets I decided I was dropping him off at his house then going to go sulk on my own at my apartment not thinking about what message that might send. Radio silence continued from the seat next to me, and as we pulled onto the main drag in Canyon Lake I started feeling guilt about this drop and run plan I had. We turned onto his street and the question I was waiting for came "are you staying over here or going home?" I didn't answer, I continued to drive and just wanted to scream - at him, at my selfishness, at my insensitivity, at the loss of $30 and almost three hours by this point. Things weren't going my way, and I was mad. We pulled up the long winding driveway to his house, and I felt God's gentle whisper to let it go, to not heap more embarrassment and shame on Cameron for something he couldn't help. We pulled up to the house, and I not so willingly turned the car off and got out. It took him a minute to realized I was staying, I'm sure he could see my train of thought. We knew what the other person was thinking before they thought it, he knew I didn't want stay. We walked inside, I got in his bed, he got on his computer, and we sat in silence to wait the beast out. 

I ended up falling asleep, there not much sleep can't help. I woke up a little while later to the loving smile of this man I love so much watching me snooze. He smiled so big, I didn't deserve his love. The  panic attack had ended and he was exhausted, but better. I apologized for my horrible behavior, he said he was sorry too; though it was unnecessary. He told me just how much it meant for me to stay. He knew I wanted to go sit and fume at my apartment alone, but he also said that would have wreaked havoc on his mind at it's fragile state of panic. He told me just how much he loved me and even though life was rough sometimes, he was glad he had me with him. I couldn't believe after that show I put on that he was so forgiving. 

That night turned into such a wonderful evening. I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but I realized that my need to be social and him know my friends was so much less important than the health of his mind and spirit. He should have reacted in anger right back at me, he should have resented me even more than I resent him, but instead he reacted in love and forgiveness. I want that same ability to turn the other cheek, I want to love the way Cameron loves, I want to put others first the way Cameron did. 

Since Cameron's passing I've done a lot of things to keep my mind busy and off how broken I am right now. I've tried to avoid a lot of our music, places, and TV shows. Strange as it may be, I've found myself listening to the Hamilton soundtrack a lot. There' a line in one of the songs that always struck me as powerful. (Sorry if you're not familiar with the show) Angelica at one point is confronting Hamilton over his infidelity and how she is going to stand with her sister. She says "I love my sister more than anything in this life/ I will choose her happiness over mine every time". I listened to this several times and just resonated with it so much. The deeper we got into the relationship, the more I started finding joy in putting Cameron's happiness before my own. I started finding myself naturally making decisions on how I acted and were I took him based upon how I could support him most through is anxiety. It became easy to think of him first before myself. Of course I had episodes like that one day driving to Austin, but for the most part I found joy in watching him flourish and be comfortable in his own skin. It didn't matter whether that was at home on the couch or out doing something exciting, his happiness brought mine. 

This notion of someone else's happiness bringing your own I believe is a domino effect. The more we as Christians live as Paul explains the deeper and more meaningful the relationships become. When we care for one another and put another needs before our own, we all get taken care of. When I do it for you, you do it for me; it becomes a chain reaction. We care for ourselves by caring for others--through the fulfillment we find in loving like Christ loves as well as the reciprocation we get from our brothers and sisters around us. Can you imagine that? A world where we didn't even need to think of ourselves because we had the confidence that other people around us were looking out for our needs just a much as theirs. 

I imagine this is much how Christ intended it to be. A reliance on the people around us and a building up of community together. It's part of our very design. After watching Cameron care for so many and find so much joy from that, I will always seek to honor Cameron through striving to think of others first before myself. That's were I rest tonight, remembering a man who focused on everyone else first and himself second. It was a joy to care for his heart, one I'm going to miss very much. But I am thankful for the time we had together, and this one of the many things he help me grow in.