On This Day...

On this day one year ago, my life turned upside down. I finally knew what it meant for the world to start crashing around you, the earth to crumble underneath your feet. I had never had anything bring me to my knees before, other than maybe God during worship. One year ago, I spent a beautiful day in Landa Park, enjoying the weather and thank God for such a beautiful place to be outside working and having a picnic. I supposed it was an interesting and dynamic juxtaposition to what was going to happen only a few hours later. One year ago today, my world caved in when I found out the man I had planned my life around has passed away unexpectedly in his sleep, no warning, no time to prepare. It's been 365 days since I've seen Cameron's smiling face, heard his joyful laugh, felt his strong arms hug me. In 365 days I've learned what it meant to be down in the darkest valleys. I learned what it meant to be lost in despair. These past 365 days have held some of the worst in my life, and those dark days deserve to be remembered. But what I couldn't have told you 365 days ago, sitting in disbelief in the living room of Cameron's parent's house,  would be how much fullness, joy, love, and so much more would have come out of a year of grief. 

I could spend way too much time writing about what a year it has been and all the things I have learned in a year, but I don't have that kind of time or patience so I'll just highlight a few. But this past 365 days has held some incredible blessings. When I begin to count them, the biggest few always involved people. So many people have been so incredibly good to me as I've walked through the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Cameron's family have been a huge part of this past year, and there aren't enough words to express how thankful I am for them. Barbra and Mike, Cameron's parents, have continued to make me feel seamlessly like a part of the family. They have continually loved and supported me in any way I could possibly need. From active roles in the youth and children's ministry at church, to simply letting me crash on their couch on Sunday afternoons so I don't have to drive all the way back to New Braunfels, they have continuously been there for me. I cherish every moment I get to spend with them and honestly have never felt more adopted into another's life and story as I have with them. 

I've also been incredibly blessed by love and friendship with Cameron's sister Caitrin. When I first met Caitrin, I knew instantly I liked her a lot and wanted to win her over as her brother's girlfriend. But she's been so much more than just a friend during this time. I don't have any biological sisters, but if there's anyone who I wouldn't hesitate introducing as my sister it would be Caitrin. I'm so thankful for all the times we've laughed together, cried together, shared stories, and so much more in the past 365 days. I don't know where I would be with her during this time. 

While there have been so many tears, there's also been so much joy in new life and Cameron's niece, Embree, being born. Baby Embree has been such a blessing in the midst of loss, and I don't know if I have ever loved someone not related to me as much as I love that little girl. She has brought so many smiles to all of us in a time where it can be hard to find a reason to smile. I'm so thankful to her parents Caitrin and Kyle that I get to be a part of her life. 

I don't think I have ever felt more loved and more supported by my communities of friends around me than I ever have in these past 365 days. I am blessed to have so many people who have come around me to love, support, and at times carry me through the past year. I can't say enough how thankful I am for my people who have endlessly been there for my every need. I have the most amazing people in my life. People who drop everything to drive halfway across the stay just to be there in my biggest time of need. People who have cleaned my apartment for me when I just didn't have the motivation or desire to do anything. People who have brought me meals, taken me to dinner, and share stories over margaritas and pints of cider. People who have simply sat, silently when there are no words to explain, and people who have listened as I've cried at 2am. I've received endless streams of texts, phone calls, facebook messages, Instagram comments, and any other possible way of reaching out from far and wide to extend a hand of love and friendship. To any and all who have reached out, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your thoughts and prayers and please be assured it did not go unnoticed. 

There's no lying or denying, the past 356 days have probably been the hardest of my life. But they've also been full of love, friendship, faith, hope, laughs, tears, and beautiful memories. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Cameron, I wish I could have him back more than anything else. But I know that I am blessed and the Lord has been good to me. On this day a year ago, I didn't know how to face tomorrow, but 365 days later, I stand ready to face whatever tomorrow may hold. Cameron's always with me no matter what, but until we meet again in paradise. 

Save me a seat at the table love. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Hebrews 4:14-16

Romans 8:28

Hebrews 11:6