I miss you

It’s crazy that a day ago I was writing about how cruddy a day it was, and now I’m thanking God for the greatness today has been. I drove up to Columbus, Texas to spend the day with my best friend Hannah who works at Pine Cove Camp. It’s amazing what a change of scenery does for feeling rejuvenated and semi restored. This is the second time I’ve been out to Pine Cove and I’ve loved getting way away from all the reminders of how tough life has been. I also am thankful to be able to get outside in God’s creation some today. Plus I never give up a chance to get back in the camp atmosphere, even if it isn’t my beloved Eagle Lake. We went and played with the horses out in the pasture and enjoyed the fresh breeze up on one of their playground towers. Though the opportunity comes out of adversity, I am so thankful for my sweet friend and the comfort she’s been through this whole process.

In my short amount of time I have while Hannah is fulfilling some duties for work, I paused to be in the word and hopefully crank out a little bit of a lighter post than yesterday, though I meant the honesty of all I had to say yesterday. Today I read Ecclesiastes 7, I don’t have my book with me but I read my normal NLT translation and then another modern translation The Message. King Solomon is just continuing in his explanation that life without God is meaningless. Today he talked about a good reputation, how meaningless wisdom can be but also how meaningless being a fool can be. Basically he wants everyone to examine life from all perspectives. He speaks of more of wisdom and foolishness and the meaning of life, but one particular verse caught my eye as I was reading.

Ecclesiastes 7:10 says don’t long for the “good old days.” This is not wise (NLT). Just early today I was lamenting to Hannah today just how badly I wanted things back the way they were before Cameron passed.  Things were starting to go well at the church, I had a man who loved me and we were so close to engagement, I had (and still have) straight As in school, it felt like I had it all. Everything within me cries out to God “why can’t things go back to the way they were?” I would give anything to have Cameron back; to hug him and tell him how much I love him. I would give anything not to start crying every time I walk into the church. I would give anything to have the comfort of feeling like I have some solid things in my future with him and with our plans for life. While none of those things are inherently bad, they are not what life has

]\now. Solomon warns against a fixation on how things were before, and there’s scripture that reminds us to keep looking forward to what God has before us.

I wish I knew the whole context in which Isaiah 43 is found, but I’ve got limited time at the moment so finding truth in just these verses will have to be enough. But verses 18 and 19 from chapter 43 speak of looking not to what has past but to the new things God is going to do moving forward. It says see what I have already begun…I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wastelands. While I continue to take it day by day and continue to mourn what has pasted, I can’t help but shake the feeling that God is whispering to me look to what I am going to be doing. I have no doubt that God is going to use what has happened here to his purpose. Like Adam Hamilton quoted about suffering, God does not depend on suffering for his purpose, but through it his purpose may be achieved.

I’ve had so many people speak words of wisdom about how what I learn during this time, what I experience in the following weeks and months, what I glean from this experience is only going to make me a better person and hopefully a better youth director. Leadership from CYMT had spoken words of encouragement that this experience is going to help me witness to kids dealing with loss someday. My friends have said that that when it comes to relationships of any kind I will have learned some amazing skills on conflict, communication, encouragement, love, acceptance, and so many more things. While suffering obviously isn’t something I would choose to go through, it is something that will only serve to make me a better person.

One of the many selfies Cameron would send me while I was away at school or up in Dallas with my family. It's a good shot of his cross that I wear now. I cannot even describe what a beautiful gift it is from his parents after his passing

So I continue to look forward to the future, to know that God is continuing to work a new thing in and around me. I know that it’s okay to continue to miss Cameron, and there probably won’t be a time that missing him wouldn’t be okay. But I look forward to the day that it is easier to walk forward into this new chapter of life and know Cameron goes with me, even if he’s not here on earth. I’ve got his cross that goes with me everywhere now, so I carry a little piece of him always. So tonight, I continue to miss him dearly, but also look forward to the promise of tomorrow. I look forward to God continuing to do things for his glory and my good.

I piece of Cameron that goes everywhere with me.