Today it was hard to get out of bed. It was hard to get dressed. It was hard to make breakfast. It was hard to convince myself to run to the office for a few things -- I lost that battle. I'm thankful for the graciousness of all of my leadership and senior pastor who have given me the permission to move at my pace, so thankfully it's not the end of the world I couldn't convince myself to face the outside world. I don't want to stay in this emotional state, but I keep being told over and over again if you don't work through it and just ignore it you're setting yourself up for more struggle later. That's what I hate the most, I'm a classic bottler. I want to throw it all in this little tiny box labeled LIFE SUCKS and stick it on the shelf that is my mind. If I could just package it all into a convenient little place and shove it behind the millions of other things I know I have going on right now I would be such a happy camper. What I'm finding about grief is that it's not easy to pack and store away.
As much as I want to suck it up and move on, the reminders are still there. I drive past his street every day. I sit in his seat on the couch. I work in the building we first met each other in. I attended worship in the sanctuary we agreed to get married in. He's everywhere I look and he's in everything I do. I can't pretend like it never happened.
I read Ecclesiastes today AND Through the Eyes of a Lion. Both made me want to scream. I looked for encouraging passages of scripture written in pretty scripts with pretty backgrounds, all of them seemed cliche. I thumbed through some other devotional books I have, nothing got me excited. I have to accept not everyday is going to be a good day, and that's miserable for me to do. But even though today was not a good day, God is still here.
I've been looking all day for something to write about, and I still haven't gotten any inspiration. I went throughout my day asking God for what to write about, and I just keep coming back to the conclusion that today is a bad day, but that doesn't mean that God is a bad God. When I have down days, God continues to have up days. When I have days of weakness and nothing seems right, God continues in strength. If there's anything I found comfort in today is was a post from a very good friend on the spiritual community page Cameron ran:
I'm not glad to boast in my weakness right now, if anything I'm cringing at every word I write. But my weakness only continues to point towards the power Christ has that I can rest upon right now. If I had it my way, I'd already be back at work, caught up with school, pristinely clean apartment, and all back right with the world, but that's not the truth. I am broken, but in my brokenness Christ brings strength. I don't feel it yet, and I'm sure like the mourning it comes in waves, but I know it will come. Tomorrow the sun will rise, and the earth will turn, and God will continue to be good. He makes all things new, but in his timing not ours.
A new normal is coming, but I can't rush the process. I love the way my senior pastor put it: The only way out is through...one step at a time. So my step for today is accepting that I can be gracious with myself and let it be a bad day. I can be honest with myself and say it's been a bad day. I can rejoice that a bad day does not mean a bad life. Tonight I try to be kind to myself, to know that progress is slow and that's okay. Tonight I try to remind myself that each day gets better, no matter how big or small of a measure, it does get better. God is still good, and he is still with me, and that's all that matters.
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