I love you. I know.

Well, I failed again, for I am only human. I've already have several people ask where the post from yesterday was. I took time out from the day to read and write, but the day just didn't end as planned for me. I was having probably one of the best day I've had so far, I had a dear friend in town and we spend the day in Austin together. We sat down at a coffee shop so I could write by blog post and it just didn't get finished before my computer died. So we left for dinner and I intended on finishing when I got home. After such a wonderful day I started heading towards home, and as I guessing is normal for being in mourning, had a wave of sorrow wash over me as I headed back to the lake. I was so lost in thought about Cameron and the upcoming memorial as I drove the dark empty roads into the hill country. I completely admit I was so lost in thought and shouldn't have been while driving late and night, or really any time at all. I got pulled over for speeding, 13 miles over the limit and less that 15 miles from home. I know the officer could hear it in my voice when I told him I was lost in thought and I definitely wasn't paying attention. I apologized as he took my license and registration. I started talking to God and asked he help relieve my mind for the rest of the drive home and to help me be content with whatever consequence I would face. The officer returned with my license and instead of giving me a ticket said "ma'am, you're so close to home. It's slick, there's deer, please be careful. Get home safe." I told him yes sir and thank you, and as I drove off burst into tear at his kindness and God's grace. Even when we're at fault, God works things for good. In the midst of the darkest valleys God is still there and still care for us. He gently comforts and shows his love and power even in the most unexpected ways. I don't know what that officer was, but I am so thankful for him and his compassion last night.

Upon returning home after the emotional roller coaster of my drive back I just didn't have any desire to sit and write as well as the fact it was already 11:30. So here I am now finishing what I started yesterday. I hope it means today as much as it would yesterday, so here goes:

I would like to start sharing some of what Cameron taught me. Yesterday I wrote about my struggle over the question of why did it have to happen this way and was it worth it? When I met with my coach and mentor for CYMT, he challenged me to really focus this time on remember the amazing times Cameron and I had together and all that he was able to teach me. I learned more through 9 months of knowing Cameron than I think I have every about love and selflessness. So, lets dive right in.

Cameron and I were enormous nerds. We love Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, classic video games, and many, many more things that we got to nerd out together over. One of my favorite things Cameron nerded the most over his serious man crush was Harrison Ford. Now, if you really know me, you know that I have a very large appreciation for Harrison Ford as well. Cameron used to send me pictures of the sweat shirts above and say he would order them for us some day. We watched those movies over and over again. One day when I was sick we watched all three of the original Indian Jones movies in a row. Movies were something we did a lot of, we bonded over a love of forgetting the real world for a moment and getting lost in a different one. Cameron so badly wanted to be a Han Solo or an Indiana Jones. He wanted big action and adventures, and we had a lot plan for ourselves, but one big looming beast sometimes put a damper on our adventures. 

Anxiety. 

Cameron wrestled with what I would consider pretty sever anxiety for most of his life. He would very frequently be plagued with these debilitating panic attacks that pretty much crippled him and left him mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. A simple definition for anxiety disorder is: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities. For us, anxiety made a lot of the decisions on how we spent our time together. 

For those who may not know me in person, let me give just a little background on me. I'm 24 years old, born and raise in Atlanta, Georgia and Dallas, Texas in my later teenage years. I come from a high activity family and an extensive background in any and all outdoor activities. Camping, hiking, skiing, backpacking, kayaking, swimming, hammocking, if it's outside and you can do with other people or alone, I love it. My Myers-Briggs is ESFJ, I'm a hard extrovert. People give me life, it's part of why I feel so called to youth ministry. I'm a social creature and crave the presence of others. I love seeing and being seen. While I have my homebody side and can make myself content in every situation, I love a fast pace life and tend to be pretty spontaneous. 

Cameron's spirit craved everything the same way I did, but as much as his spirit wanted it, anxiety said otherwise. Anxiety determined many of our activities, and our most common place was my couch in the cat cave (his nickname for my apartment; He loved my fur babies) or his Bat Cave (aka his room at his place). I came to love the quiet peace and simplicity of just one another's company, but it took me a while to get there, and even then I still struggled with understanding the nature of anxiety and how to love Cameron, and Cameron's anxiety. Let me explain a little more about myself. 

I have this little monster who lives inside of me, who rears his ugly head and tends to wreak havoc in my relationships. That monster is selfishness and low self esteem. By nature, I can be a very selfish person. I've learned about myself over the years that I have a hard time putting others before myself. Insecurities and social anxieties are something I know well too, and my protection from those things was the shield of thinking of me first. I would protect myself by constantly talking about me and what I had done and accomplished to keep this person's interest in me. What can I do for myself to make sure I keep people's interest. My desired to keep people in my life was more than a personality trait, it became the complementing actions to my fear of rejection and aloneness. What I've found is the more we lift ourself up in an attempt to keep the interest of others, the more pride we build and selfishness we gain, the more we push people away. I've experienced it first hand, I've driven people I love away over it. I like to think with the help of my loving savior that I am working on becoming less of this person. But if there's anything I can take from Cameron and my relationship it's how he taught me to not only put others first, but to find joy in putting someone else's needs before my own. 

Yes, he's that much taller than me.

Like I said earlier, Cameron loved fast and loved hard. He'd give you the shirt right off of his back if it was going to improve your life. I don't think I have ever met a person who was so giving of themselves as Cameron Murphy. He threw himself into building relationships with people in a way that helped them through tough times and even further helped them to Christ. Very frequently he would be working with someone through a rough time in their life, putting his own needs and struggles aside to care for another. Cameron would also give you his last dollar if you said you needed it. He always put others first and this was one of the his many character traits that attracted me to him in the first place. He served the Lord by serving other people, by considering others better than himself. He truly lived out Philippians 2:1-4 which says:

1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 

I strive to look more like Cameron did, to be humble like Cameron was. I think back on one particular event a few weeks ago that wasn't my most glorious moment, but one I won't forget because I can see change within myself and where we came out stronger on the other side. 

I had wanted for a long time for Cameron to come meet one of my fellow cohorts from my masters program and his wife for a long time. There are many reason why I felt like my friends Jordan and Allie would really connect with Cameron, and maybe he'd start feeling more comfortable around more of my friends. Cameron didn't get to meet all of my closest friends. Distance was a big factor, but another was anxiety; he counted himself out when it came to the idea of my friends loving him. What he never seemed to wrap his mind around was the fact that my friends didn't even have to meet him to know they loved him. They were ready with open arms to welcome him into our little family simply because he loved me and I loved him -- that was enough. One Saturday he agreed to come with me to Austin to go on a double date with Jordan and Allie. It took some persuading, but finally Cameron felt comfortable enough with my descriptions of them and reassuring that they were some of the best people I know. Tickets for the movie were purchased, Allie was cooking dinner, and I was so excited to share some time with so many people that are so important to me. 

We headed for Austin and got stuck in a traffic jam. Cameron started getting unusually quiet and wouldn't look at me. I asked him what was up and he told me he thought a panic attack was coming on. I asked if some of his medication would help at all and he said he didn't bring any with him (which was unusual, he almost always kept is anxiety meds on him). So like the fixer I am I started throwing out ever option for "how can I make this better", which the answer is I can't. After sitting for almost an hour and praying the anxiety would subside, it did nothing but increase, so he asked me if we could go home. I. was. furious. I handle anger with tears so automatically I started crying and just spitting venom at him about "well why didn't you have your medication" and "you said you were okay to go" and "why didn't you say something before we sent the money on tickets". With every harsh word that came out of my mouth I could feel my heart hardening and resentment coming on, then the words of Philippines 3:3-4. Look not unto the your own interest, but also into the interest of others. So as much as I wanted to keep yelling and crying, I bit my tongue. More harsh words arose in my mind - I'd be planning this day for so long, Jordan and Allie had been asking to meet him for months, how could I let them down? But the more I heard silence from Cameron, the more my heart broke. I realized the selfishness of my reaction. I looked at him and told him I was wrong for saying those things, but that I didn't know how to handle not getting my way well and I was sorry for my actions...I felt lower than dirt. I pulled the car off at the next exit and we turned around for home. 

The next 45 minuets were full of my not so silent sobs as I kept being whispered to lies about our future. Would we ever be able to do anything? Was I just signing up for a life of confinement to just the couch and movies? I didn't know that that was something I could accept. As I drove in silence for 20 minuets I decided I was dropping him off at his house then going to go sulk on my own at my apartment not thinking about what message that might send. Radio silence continued from the seat next to me, and as we pulled onto the main drag in Canyon Lake I started feeling guilt about this drop and run plan I had. We turned onto his street and the question I was waiting for came "are you staying over here or going home?" I didn't answer, I continued to drive and just wanted to scream - at him, at my selfishness, at my insensitivity, at the loss of $30 and almost three hours by this point. Things weren't going my way, and I was mad. We pulled up the long winding driveway to his house, and I felt God's gentle whisper to let it go, to not heap more embarrassment and shame on Cameron for something he couldn't help. We pulled up to the house, and I not so willingly turned the car off and got out. It took him a minute to realized I was staying, I'm sure he could see my train of thought. We knew what the other person was thinking before they thought it, he knew I didn't want stay. We walked inside, I got in his bed, he got on his computer, and we sat in silence to wait the beast out. 

I ended up falling asleep, there not much sleep can't help. I woke up a little while later to the loving smile of this man I love so much watching me snooze. He smiled so big, I didn't deserve his love. The  panic attack had ended and he was exhausted, but better. I apologized for my horrible behavior, he said he was sorry too; though it was unnecessary. He told me just how much it meant for me to stay. He knew I wanted to go sit and fume at my apartment alone, but he also said that would have wreaked havoc on his mind at it's fragile state of panic. He told me just how much he loved me and even though life was rough sometimes, he was glad he had me with him. I couldn't believe after that show I put on that he was so forgiving. 

That night turned into such a wonderful evening. I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but I realized that my need to be social and him know my friends was so much less important than the health of his mind and spirit. He should have reacted in anger right back at me, he should have resented me even more than I resent him, but instead he reacted in love and forgiveness. I want that same ability to turn the other cheek, I want to love the way Cameron loves, I want to put others first the way Cameron did. 

Since Cameron's passing I've done a lot of things to keep my mind busy and off how broken I am right now. I've tried to avoid a lot of our music, places, and TV shows. Strange as it may be, I've found myself listening to the Hamilton soundtrack a lot. There' a line in one of the songs that always struck me as powerful. (Sorry if you're not familiar with the show) Angelica at one point is confronting Hamilton over his infidelity and how she is going to stand with her sister. She says "I love my sister more than anything in this life/ I will choose her happiness over mine every time". I listened to this several times and just resonated with it so much. The deeper we got into the relationship, the more I started finding joy in putting Cameron's happiness before my own. I started finding myself naturally making decisions on how I acted and were I took him based upon how I could support him most through is anxiety. It became easy to think of him first before myself. Of course I had episodes like that one day driving to Austin, but for the most part I found joy in watching him flourish and be comfortable in his own skin. It didn't matter whether that was at home on the couch or out doing something exciting, his happiness brought mine. 

This notion of someone else's happiness bringing your own I believe is a domino effect. The more we as Christians live as Paul explains the deeper and more meaningful the relationships become. When we care for one another and put another needs before our own, we all get taken care of. When I do it for you, you do it for me; it becomes a chain reaction. We care for ourselves by caring for others--through the fulfillment we find in loving like Christ loves as well as the reciprocation we get from our brothers and sisters around us. Can you imagine that? A world where we didn't even need to think of ourselves because we had the confidence that other people around us were looking out for our needs just a much as theirs. 

I imagine this is much how Christ intended it to be. A reliance on the people around us and a building up of community together. It's part of our very design. After watching Cameron care for so many and find so much joy from that, I will always seek to honor Cameron through striving to think of others first before myself. That's were I rest tonight, remembering a man who focused on everyone else first and himself second. It was a joy to care for his heart, one I'm going to miss very much. But I am thankful for the time we had together, and this one of the many things he help me grow in.