I was driving from Canyon Lake to my parents house in Dallas area to send a few days away to clear my head and hopefully catch up on school. I had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to cry, a lot of time to pray, a lot of time to yell and scream about it all. I'm not quite back yet, it will be a while before I'm ready to fully write again. But I did want to share what I shared at Cameron's memorial yesterday. The service was so beautiful, but I wish I felt more closure. I hoped maybe the memorial would help me feel some kind of distinctive difference or sense of moving on...if anything I feel more lost and empty than before. Tonight I try and allow myself grace, that this is something life changing that I won't bounce back from over night. I lost my best friend, my closest confidant, my head cheerleader, the love of my life, my future husband, and my other half. That's not something you recover from in a week, two weeks, or three weeks. Tonight I try to be kind to myself, that I pause to let my heart and soul heal; to let my heart and soul hurt. So tonight I feel, I don't try too hard and I have grace with myself. But also tonight I share this piece of our story in what I shared at Cameron's memorial:
For
those who don’t know, my name is Katherine. Cameron and I have been dating
since June of last year and had hoped to spend our lives together. There are
just words abounding from me about Cameron and have just flowed over the past
few weeks. Too many words, it’s quite a common problem of mine, but here I find
comfort in it. There are too many words to describe this man who did more for
me than I will ever be able to explain.
I
don’t have to convince anyone here how great a man Cameron was, he touched everyone
here in so many ways. But we’re not here to convince anyone of anything, we are
here to celebrate the memories and the life of this person who gave so much of
himself to everyone else.
I
have tried to channel Cameron over the past few weeks as I’ve tried to think of
what I want to say to celebrate his life. What I keep landing on is how he
would want it all to point back to Christ. That’s what he did, he showed people
the love of the Lord by being that love himself. He taught people about God’s grace
by showing grace himself. Cameron used
to talk about his Paul the Apostle mode, and I wish I had as much of a Paul the
Apostle mode as Cameron did. 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 speaks of how Paul was “all
things to all people”. He finished with I do everything to spread the good news
and share in it’s blessing. That was Cameron’s life, he did everything to
spread the good news and to share it’s blessing. Our lives have all been
blessed because of Cameron’s tireless efforts to share the good news of the
gospel. My favorite phrase he used to say is “I’m just here directing traffic.”
I think those sitting here would agree he was one of the best traffic directors
there could be.
I
thank God for Cameron’s life, I was so blessed by his love, by his spirit, by
his joy. I wait patiently for the day I get to enjoy it again. But until that
day I hold tight to the memories we made, the joy of the time we had, and the
way he changed me, the way he showed me a better picture of who Christ was.
Since his passing I’ve felt a little piece of me missing, but I know that
little piece is safe with him. So while I’m here, I choose to use my time to be
like Cameron, the be like Paul. To be all things to all people so that they may
share in the blessings of the gospel.
Beautiful words. You did fantastically at the service. As bad as it sounds, I'm glad you broke a little while you spoke. It was a sign that you aren't just suppressing what you're feeling, that you are allowing yourself to feel and cope.
ReplyDelete