I don't know what I'm doing

For nine months I've said quite a bit: "I don't know what I'm doing". Nine months has proved actually in some places I do know what I'm doing, but in a week I'm back to saying I don't know what I'm doing. And that's okay.

Nine months ago I moved to a new place to start a new job in a not so new calling. Nine months ago I had myself convinced I have no idea what I am doing in respects to my job in ministry. Nine months ago I met the love of my life, eight months ago I started dating the love of my life. Six months ago I started believing maybe I have a few ideas about what I'm doing in ministry, five months ago I was told never to say "I don't know what I'm doing" again.  A week ago the love of my life went to be with Jesus, and a week ago I started saying "I don't know what I'm doing" again. An hour ago I started telling myself it's okay if I don't know what I'm doing, because the only one who really does, and in fact really needs to, knows what He's doing.

I've never written for an audience before, and lets be honestly I don't expect many to take a look just as much as I'm writing more for me than I am for anyone else. When it comes to blogging I truly don't know what I'm doing. In my purpose for starting this I'm already doing it wrong, but that's okay too. Today is the end of day nine of defining my new normal, day nine of figuring out what the Lord has for the rest of my new normal. I'm sure the story of why I need a new normal will be told eventually, but now I just want to establish the name of the game.

Today is Ash Wednesday, and it didn't even hit me until someone asked me today if I had any Ash Wednesday plans. I still don't but I started thinking about Lent because oh yeah that starts today. In the past week I've given up more than I ever wanted to or dreamed I would have to. I'm not really feeling a whole lot of want to give up anything else. So if I feel like I can't give something up then I sure can add something; like I said, I'm defining my new normal right now. Thus for Lent this year I'm going to read and write everyday. Two things I pretty strongly dislike.

I don't know what I'm doing, I've completely lost sight of shore in a lot of aspect of my life and my faith. But I long to find land again, even if it's a new one. Today I haven't read yet, but due to the convince of the computer sitting in front of me already I'll go ahead and write. I hope at some points during this journey of Lent and searching for a new normal I'll write in response to reading...we'll make that the goal I suppose.

I wish I had a better closing for this, but it's just not coming, which is okay. There's going to be lots of mistakes: spelling, grammar, logic, theology, facts, judgment. But I think that's what may make this time beautiful, because in all the mistakes there's grace. And grace favors effort. This is my effort for tonight, we'll see where it goes.