It's better to have Loved

I find it cliche to start with a quote, but I'm going to do it anyways. "tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". I've always underestimated the power of that statement and the immense amount of dissatisfaction AND satisfaction it brings. Honestly I didn't know where this quote came from so I dug a little more. It is from a book of poetry written by Alfred Lord Tennyson as a requiem of the loss of his dear friend Author Henry Hallen who died suddenly at age 22 of a cerebral hemorrhage...bleak huh? But interestingly similar to what I feel like I am going through right now.

Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809-1892

Not that it matters much, but I didn't just pull the quote out of the air I promise. As much as it sucks, I picked Ecclesiastes back up today. I read chapter 4 which talks about the cruel state of the world and how it's luckier to either be dead or not even born yet for those are the only people who are either free of evil or haven't even known it...Thanks for the comforting words Solomon. King Solomon then goes onto talking about the importance of doing life with other people. Solomon after that talks about rulers and the importance of the types of rulers who aren't just looking to better themselves, but I honestly didn't get much out of that portion nor do I really care to talk politics at all. But here's a little of what I read from the modern translation of Ecclesiastes I've been reading:

It seems to me that two who work and share their lives together do much better than one all alone. For thus we learn to care for other and to trust and love, though this does not come easily. But it is worth the effort, you'll agree; for two will complement each other. They have different wants and needs, and each one may see life a little differently. If one should falter, then the other one will run to his assistance. It is hard if you should fall and be alone, with no one to come to your aid, no one to care. And there's a certain joy from having one who cares for you, who lies beside you in your bed each night and keeps you warm and fills your head with thoughts of love. I pity those who this companionship and intimacy, this bliss, have never know. (T.M. Moore)

I was in the midst of reading that and had the Tennyson quote jump into my head. It is better to have loved, and lost, than to not have loved at all. Some of the questions I've been wrestling with the most have surrounded this idea really, and it seems the Solomon can offer some wisdom here.

Big honesty moment, I'm a hopeless romantic. I've dreamed my entire life of meeting a boy, falling in love, and living happily ever after. It's not even a question that this is one of the things I've prayed over the most in my life, pretty up there with my calling in youth ministry and praying for others. God obviously knows the desires of our hearts even before we know them ourselves, but I've made extra sure throughout my life that God knew this one. It's actually a little embarrassing to me, but I do believe that we are made by God with certain desires and passions that he works into our very person and our purpose he has for us. I remember being a senior in college and talking with my roommate Hannah about this very idea back in 2014/2015. It's been one of those irrational fears that this desire to have a partner in life is something God just isn't going to bless me with, but I've had so many help guide me away from that fear. But when I met Cameron it seemed like I could put those fears to rest permanently.

Before I moved to Canyon Lake and started my time in CYMT I was very solidly resolved not to date, I didn't want anything to do with boys for fear it would become a distraction to my ministry. I remember having a funny conversation with longest time best friend Madison and telling her how I really hoped I wouldn't meet someone in this next three years. Her response was well now that you've said you won't do that you know it means you're going to meet someone right...big surprise she was right. I remember spending so much time prior to CYMT telling God it was still a desire of mine, but not in the next three years. I fully believe God has a sense of humor.

So then as you maybe read yesterday, I met Cameron within the first month of being in Canyon Lake. To be honest I didn't want to believe this was actually happening during the time of him pursing me. I ran every scenario possible in my head to explain away my feelings and his obvious feelings towards me. It was a mix of having prayed so long for someone to come into my life and it not happening for 24 years as well as I thought it was at the wrong time for it to happen. But God's idea for our life tends to be different than our own, and there's no argument: His plan is much better.

I want to be clear here, do I think it was within God's plan for me to meet a guy three weeks into a new job, fall in love, plan a life together, then not even make it to engagement before he passed away? No, I absolutely do not believe it was God's will for me to have to walk through a valley like this. But I am still answering this question of why did these events in my life happen this way. One of the things I've learned through seminary classes is that most of our answer about God, life, and why things happen the way they do are "we don't actually know the real answer." When you study the Old Testament one of the things you see over and over again is people trying to answer the question "why does life happen the way that it does." And even in the Old Testament you see many people who are unable to come to a solid conclusion. There are many good hypothesis out there, there are many bad hypothesis out there. There are words that give hope, peace, contentment, and maybe even joy, but we have to be careful that they are still theologically sound. That is why I stand before you and say I have no good answer for why I am walking through the worst thing that has happened in my life. But where I have no good answers about life, I do have good answers about God (well at least I think their good, like I've said before, theological mistakes will happen in the course of this journey)

Along with reading Ecclesiastes I am also working through Adam Hamilton's book Half Truths. Our church actually just finished a sermon series based on this book, and there was a lot of wisdom shared during those sermons that is helping me deal with some of the theological questions of Cameron's passing. Currently, I'm reading the chapter about the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" which challenges the notion that our God, a God who has promised us his goodness, would also intentionally put suffering into our lives. I'm not all the way finished with the chapter, so I'll hold my tongue on trying to explain why the phrase is theologically unsound. But there is a quote from the chapter that our Senior Pastor shared during his sermons that I'm finding a lot of peace in. Adam Hamilton shares the following quote:

"Suffering is not God's desire for us, but it occurs in the process of life. Suffering is not given to teach us something, but through it we may learn. Suffering is not given to punish us, but sometimes it is the consequence of our sin or poor judgement. Suffering does not occur because our faith is weak, but through it our faith may be strengthened. God does not depend on human suffering to achieve his purpose, but sometimes through suffering his purposes are achieved. Suffering can either destroy us, or it can add meaning to our life."

Wow. I'm still having to let these idea settle into my soul, and I will probably spend a lot of time letting it wash over me. But it gives me peace that there is meaning to what I am walking through. And it's not just about me, this applies to all people. All people will hurt at some point in their lives, but no one is exempt from the love of the Father. One thing Cameron used to say all the time was that pain was necessary, but suffering was optional. I always struggled to agree with this idea, and I think I will continue to struggle with it. But I feel it complements the last line of the quote from Hamilton's book: Suffering can either destroy us, or it can add meaning to our life. 

So, the question still remains: Why did Cameron have to leave before we even started our life together? I don't have an answer for this question, but I don't want to spend my life obsessing over it. I feel strongly that I can waste my life trying to answer this question, or I can spend my life trying to respond to the suffering in a way that adds meaning to my life, Cameron's life, and glorifies God. Romans 8:28 says we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Everything that happens in my life, the explainable and the unexplainable, God has the power to work together for my good, and his glory.  It says right there that God will make it work together for my good -- that's not a statement of preventing suffering, but a statement of responding to it. I fully believe that God and put purpose to the things in our life we can't make sense of, but that doesn't mean we blame him for those things as well. 

So, I'm going to go ahead and say I've barely scraped the surface with a topic like this. I challenge anyone struggling or not with this question of why do bad things happen to go explore for yourself what scripture says about God and his character. You can spend your life trying to answer the question "why do bad things happen to good people" and never come up with a full answer. I believe  that time is better spend not trying to prove why things happen, but more prove who God is. Because when we spend more time proving who God is we in turn can put purpose to these unanswered questions. 

This doesn't mean we aren't we aren't allowed to feel due to suffering, to the contrary. Ecclesiastes 3 I referenced yesterday says indeed there is a time to feel in response to suffering. Tonight, that is what I am trying to rest in. To know that it is truly better to have love Cameron, and lost him than to never have loved him at all. I try to find peace in the knowledge that suffering doesn't come from God, but that through it, meaning can be given to my life. The pain I feel from being left here while Cameron has passed is pain that doesn't have to happen without purpose (though it does not give purpose or value to Cameron's death). It's purpose is in the response: how I am moved to action based on the impact Cameron had on my life. What are those impacts he had on me? Well, there's lots to be said about that, but we'll save that for next time.